A re­la­tion­ship that’s a mar­riage sand­wich

Daily Freeman (Kingston, NY) - - YOUR DAILY BREAK - An­nie Lane

My boyfriend and I have been to­gether for over 10 years. How­ever, briefly we sep­a­rated. Dur­ing that time, we still talked ev­ery day, talked about our fu­ture to­gether and how we still loved each other. We just needed to take some time apart for each of us to eval­u­ate life and de­cide where we were go­ing. One day, af­ter a few months, he very abruptly told me that we couldn’t talk any­more. I was com­pletely shocked, not to men­tion heart­bro­ken. I asked him why, and he fi­nally told me that he had met some­one else.

Af­ter only a cou­ple of short weeks of dat­ing, they got mar­ried. Yes — mar­ried. Dur­ing our whole re­la­tion­ship, he had al­ways stated that he would never get mar­ried again be­cause his mar­riage and di­vorce prior to our dat­ing were hor­ri­ble. I have al­ways wanted to be mar­ried, and although it broke my heart that he didn’t want that, I loved him so much that I was will­ing to give up that dream.

Af­ter only a week of his be­ing mar­ried to this new woman, he knew he had made a mis­take and quickly filed for di­vorce. She moved out of his house, and shortly af­ter, he and I de­cided we wanted to be to­gether re­gard­less of what had hap­pened.

So here we are, back to­gether. He’s di­vorced, and for the most part, ev­ery­thing is won­der­ful. How­ever, af­ter eight months, I find my­self still hav­ing flash­backs, hav­ing neg­a­tive thoughts and get­ting up­set just think­ing about his mar­riage.

I never say any­thing to him. I keep this to my­self and just try to get over it. I just want to know: Am I ever truly go­ing to get over it? Will I ever stop hav­ing these thoughts? — Still Dwelling on the

Past

You say you never say any­thing to him. Why? Are you afraid of seem­ing un­rea­son­able? You were to­gether for 10 years and split up briefly, and he mar­ried some­one af­ter two weeks of dat­ing her. Of course you’re un­easy. Talk to him, and see whether you two can work your way through the pain.

Then it’s time for some se­ri­ous self-re­flec­tion. Be very hon­est with your­self: Can you for­give him or can’t you? If you can, you need to go all in. If you can’t, it’s time to set your­self free, start fresh and per­haps meet some­one who val­ues mar­riage as you do. Ei­ther way, you need to de­cide. Right now, you’re in limbo, and that’s no place to live.

The let­ter from “Wor­ried Wife,” whose hus­band is so wrapped up in watch­ing sports that it af­fects his moods, caught my at­ten­tion. I was a youth hockey coach many years ago. One of the ma­jor prob­lems I did en­counter a cou­ple of times was deal­ing with men who were de­scribed as hav­ing sports ob­ses­sions.

I can tell you that such men are prone to abu­sive, obscene tirades about any­thing that ap­pears to go badly for their kids, and they are not peo­ple I wanted to see at the kids’ games.

I do not know the an­swer for this man (maybe anger man­age­ment), but I know that a kids sport­ing event is not the place for some­one like him. Let the ob­ses­sive su­per-fans have a sound­proof room for their fun un­til they learn to be kinder to the rest of us. — Kids’ Coach

Send your ques­tions for An­nie Lane to dear­an­nie@cre­ators. com.

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