Pres­i­den­tial Ap­pren­tice

Daily Freeman (Kingston, NY) - - OPINION - Will Durst Rag­ing Mod­er­ate Will Durst is syndicated by Ca­gle Car­toons.

Two months be­fore join­ing the gov­ern­ment in an en­try level po­si­tion, Pres­i­dent-elect Don­ald Trump has been learn­ing the ropes and is busier than a bar­tender 10 min­utes be­fore mid­night at a Times Square Ap­ple­bee’s on New Year’s Eve.

A large amount of time was spent se­lect­ing a cab­i­net of de­plorables from his bas­ket of de­plorables and mak­ing sure the two sons from his first mar­riage, Uday and Qusay, had the proper se­cu­rity clear­ances. Their sa­fari tro­phies were also ex­pe­dited though cus­toms.

Trump clev­erly kept Amer­ica’s en­e­mies on their toes by re­fus­ing to com­mit to mov­ing into the White House. Re­plac­ing a black fam­ily liv­ing in pub­lic hous­ing would cause him to break out in hives, and nobody wants an itchy beloved leader. Be­sides, Me­la­nia is re­luc­tant to down­size.

Trump then ad­vised peo­ple call­ing for a three-state re­count to “get over it.” Re­minded it had taken him 7½ years to ac­knowl­edge Barack Obama was born in Amer­ica, Trump in­voked the clas­sic, “do as I say, not as I do” doc­trine.

He honed his diplo­matic skills get­ting into a fight with both a Broad­way mu­si­cal and “Satur­day Night Live,” lead­ing folks to won­der how soon a Twit­ter war with Lady Gaga will break out.

But the ma­jor­ity of the fu­ture pres­i­dent’s time was spent reneg­ing on cam­paign prom­ises:

• He set­tled the law­suit he “would never set­tle” against Trump Univer­sity be­cause nobody wants the pres­i­dency plagued by friv­o­lous dis­trac­tions. And there will be plenty of other law­suits to be frivolously dis­tracted by.

• Trump now looks for­ward to get­ting ad­vice from Pres­i­dent Obama. Prob­a­bly ex­pects some prob­lems with his Kenyan im­mi­gra­tion poli­cies.

• One of his ma­jor re­frains was lock­ing up “Crooked Hil­lary.” Now he’s thank­ing her for her ser­vice. Lock her up with hugs and kisses is what he meant.

• He will re­tain parts of Oba­macare in­stead of get­ting rid of it on Day 1 as pre­vi­ously promised. It is thought his ma­jor com­plaint is Obama’s name on the bill and as soon as the coun­try starts re­fer­ring to it as Trump­care, he’ll be fine with it.

• That whole im­pos­ing a Mus­lim ban thing? No. No. No. He’s im­pos­ing a muslin ban. No more im­ported loosely wo­ven cot­ton fab­ric. In ad­di­tion, we’re go­ing to keep out those nasty Vi­cuna coats from Peru as well.

• An end to sanc­tu­ary cities? Yes. Bird sanc­tu­ary cities.

• Go­ing to im­pose tar­iffs on Chi­nese gods not goods. The Eight Im­mor­tals can re­main eter­nal, but they’re go­ing to have to do it on Chi­nese shores.

• Bomb ISIS. What he meant to say is the Egyp­tian god­dess Isis is the bomb.

• Get­ting rid of NAFTA? No, he’s go­ing to get rid of naph­tha and switch to the much more eco­nom­i­cal liq­uid gas to heat all his re­sort swim­ming pools.

• And build­ing a wall? A sim­ple mis­un­der­stand­ing. He’s go­ing to build a mall. And get Ross Dress for Less to pay for it.

• Huge tax cuts for the rich be­cause god knows the rich need more money? Yeah. That one he’s go­ing to keep.

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