Daily Freeman (Kingston, NY)

Family and politics

- Annie Lane

We have a situation in our family, and it may be a problem in other families. Maybe you have an answer to help us all.

I voted my conscience in the most recent presidenti­al election, but I feel I am being punished by my daughter and her family, who didn’t agree with me. She had an exceptiona­l education, which I believe should have included considerat­ion of others’ opinions.

Not too much has been said directly, as we both know that too much damage would be done should we broach the subject of the current political situation. Indeed, I have told her that I will not argue with her and that I hope we can “agree to disagree.”

I am afraid her lack of respect for my opinion will cause lasting damage to my relationsh­ip with my grandchild­ren. I love them all so much and am not sure what to do except to hope that time will heal. Do you have any suggestion­s?

— Must Be Anon. Your daughter is still speaking to you, and she isn’t broaching the subject of politics. To me, that sounds an awful lot like agreeing to disagree. So I’m not sure where your uneasiness is coming from here. Perhaps you feel that she’s silently judging you for your beliefs. She’s probably not, but even if she is, so what? She still loves you. Parents and children need not share the same voting record to share the same values. Focus on fertilizin­g the common ground between you two. Let her know how much she and your grandchild­ren mean to you. With love and time, any coldness will thaw.

I’d like to offer one more suggestion in regard to the letter from “Sad Nana With So Much to Be Thankful For,” who wrote to express the things she’d like her adult children to do around the house while she’s taking care of her terminally ill husband.

Please, everyone — friends, family, casual acquaintan­ces — when you see someone who is serving as a caregiver, ask the caregiver how he or she is doing, as opposed to asking about the person who is under his or her care. This makes the caregiver feel acknowledg­ed, allows the caregiver to give an update on the ill person’s status if he or she wishes, avoids an uncomforta­ble response if the ill person is dying, and is a caring way to express concern for the ill person and the whole family. Terminal illness drains everyone, and constant inquiries about how the ill person is when there is no possibilit­y of change or hope for the better are hard blows to the heart.

Yes, “John,” the loved one I’m caring for, is dying. But how am I doing? I’m trying to keep myself together for him and trying to do everything I can. I’m dealing with my future loss and a lot of problems with finances, self-care and an overall feeling of discourage­ment. Bring some cheer to my life; ask how I’m doing.

— Aurora

What a valuable insight. Thank you for reminding us of the importance of caring for the caregivers.

Your daughter is still speaking to you, and she isn’t broaching the subject of politics. To me, that sounds an awful lot like agreeing to disagree.

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