How they spent their summer vacations
And so we bid a hearty “Welcome back!” to our elected representatives as they reluctantly trudge back to Washington following their annual summer recess, and the fact that it sounds like a holdover from elementary school is no accident. Ostensibly this respite from the business at hand is meant to renew, refresh, recharge and reload so they can be rested and relaxed as they fight for we, their constituents. Mostly though, they raise campaign funds.
But a few did manage to carve precious minutes from their busy schedules of schmoozing and networking for more pastoral proclivities. And through a series of dogged investigations, we here at Durstco were able to uncover those previously unreported recreational activities that they and other public figures engaged in over the break and are proud to offer them up here.
Paul Ryan visited all 30 MLB stadiums and defied the laws of probability when the home team lost every game.
Kelly Ann Conway broke many nails writing a book on the power of patience and persistence coupled with a strict regimen of willful ignorance.
Steve Bannon earned a pretty penny for checking into a Swiss spa and switching out his blood with Keith Richards’.
Donald Trump surreptitiously installed solar paneling on his vast holdings in Guam.
Mike Pence taught Bible school to a group of at-risks youth who just happen to be the kids of Republican megadonors. Chris Mathews visited secret and ancient Vatican libraries searching for loopholes.
Michael Flynn went off his meds and no one noticed.
Chris Christie visited beaches no one else was allowed to.
Mitch McConnell gained experience dealing with Trump by refereeing the finals of a pee-wee wrestling tournament for hyperactive children.
Bernie Sanders attended three Comic-Cons dressed as the John Candy character from “Spaceballs.”
Chief of Staff John Kelly took a plumbing correspondence course with an emphasis on leak plugging.
Elizabeth Warren hitchhiked across Europe with a maple leaf patch sewn onto her backpack.
Jeff Sessions traveled to Italy to get custom 4-inch lifts installed in all his shoes.
Jared Kushner followed the New England State Fair circuit hawking vegetable slicers.
Hillary Clinton studied with many tutors so that she could attempt to appear spontaneous on her upcoming book tour.
First lady Melania Trump consulted with Manolo Blahnik on his Limited Edition “Shoes Fit For a Flood” Collection.
Bill Clinton never left his hammock. Except for twice, when it needed to be renetted.
Anthony Scaramucci spent 30 days in community service in Kalispell, Mont., after threatening the life of a KOA campground manager who failed to stock enough marshmallows for the traditional Friday night s’mores bonfire.
Ted Cruz interned at the Calgary Stampede as a rodeo clown.
Will Durst is syndicated by Cagle Cartoons.