Toxic mother-in-law
I’m at my wits’ end. Yesterday my mother-in-law, “Alice,” called my husband, “Gavin,” to complain about how I am not nice to her and how she is tired of being pushed around. This is not the first or second or 22nd time that Alice has painted herself as the victim. She has a lot of issues, though she refuses to get counseling, which is why her first marriage fell apart, and most of the time, I just let her vent and try to not let her get to me. I’ll play nice and then continue my life with Gavin and our 2-yearold daughter, “Vivian.”
Gavin’s been on my side through this entire thing, and he’s told her many times to stop treating me this way. But I found out that she’s been complaining about me to all of Gavin’s siblings, too, trying to get them to agree with her on how my parenting style is all wrong and how I’m crazy for thinking she’s judgmental.
Rather than let it go, again, I called her out. I let Alice know that if she has a problem, she should speak with me, not my husband or his siblings. She proceeded to attack me for more than an hour — insulting my family, my parenting, my “secrecy,” my work and everything else under the sun. I admitted that I haven’t been very open with her about how things are going as Vivian continues to grow and said I will try to fill her in more. Yet she refused to admit that she has been doing anything wrong, saying she must be right because she’s a mother of three. Also, she says I’m too sensitive for not being OK with her disparaging my abilities as a mom to my entire family.
I don’t even know where to go from here. Annie, how do I resist getting into another argument with my stone wall of a mother-in-law?
— MIL Troubles
You’re right to want to resist arguing with your mother-in-law again. It would be as foolish as arguing with an actual stone wall. From the sound of it, she had issues long before she met you, and if you weren’t around, she’d probably just be taking out her frustrations on somebody else. So accept that she has certain limitations, and try not to take any of this personally. That said, Gavin needs to step up and do all he can to help manage the situation and create healthy boundaries between your family and his mother. You might glean some insights from Susan Forward’s “Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage.” At the very least, reading it would make you feel less alone.
Just a brief note about the chatty doctor described by “Enough Chatter.” Good doctors can learn a lot about their patients by engaging them in conversation. The patient’s tone, responsiveness, speech patterns, attitude, level of comprehension, etc., can often clue the physician in to issues that poking and prodding don’t. This is an art that is rapidly fading in our digitized world. Just sayin’. — Old-Time Doc
Great point, and one I hadn’t considered. Thanks for writing, doc.
ACROSS
1 Leftover bit in a
basket 6 Taken out by
Buffy? 11 Farm home 14 Lash LaRue’s “Frontier Revenge,” e.g. 15 Critical circulation
aid 16 Op lead-in 17 Ratting to the cops and carrying a tune? 20 Chem. class
suffix 21 Buddy type 22 Scots Gaelic 23 More than moist 24 Dupe
gatherings? 27 Kept away from 31 National Grandparents’ Day mo. 32 Trumpet players? 33 Regions 36 RN workplace 39 What rain may do
to a bad toupee? 43 Hold one’s __ 44 Cook in the oven 45 Walk unsteadily 46 Prince in
“Frozen” 48 Diplomat’s
headquarters 51 Place to buy a
chair? 55 Sounds of
hesitation 56 Forearm part 57 Last European
colony in Asia 59 Dallas sch. 62 Cowboy outfit? 66 Consumed 67 Like many
squawkers 68 Immerse
completely 69 Nickname for
Edward 70 Cruel sort 71 Deli cheese ... or, in three parts, a hint to the five longest across puzzle answers
DOWN
1 “__ fan tutte” 2 Prohibition
surprise 3 __ Reader 4 Not much memory, these days 5 Greased 6 Droops 7 University of New
Mexico team 8 Kitchen drawer? 9 U.S. manufacturer founded as a communications co. in 1920 10 “Don’t think so!” 11 Trunks often
contain them 12 Private meeting 13 Approvals 18 F-sharp, for one 19 “Willow __ for Me”: jazz standard 23 Bit of smoke 25 H.S. junior’s
exam 26 Net fabric 27 Too 28 Condo selling
point 29 Generous 30 Duchamp genre 34 Legal thing 35 Romain de
Tirtoff, famously 37 Parlor sticks 38 Like some moods 40 Footed vases 41 On-the-run bite 42 Big periods 47 The teensiest bit 49 Nourishment
provider 50 Stews (over) 51 1940s-’60s top10 girl’s name that ranked 922nd in 2016 52 Thrill 53 __ vincit amor 54 Certain
polytheist 58 Sch. in Harlem 59 Feng __ 60 Slob’s
production 61 Versatility list 63 On the __:
hiding 64 “__ had it!” 65 Drag behind
You’re right to want to resist arguing with your motherin-law again. It would be as foolish as arguing with an actual stone wall.