Abusive parents haven’t changed

I’m in my late 50s. Approximately three years ago, because of my husband’s death, an auto accident and my loss of a job, I had to return to my parents’ home to recuperate and get back on my feet. This has been a very dark period for me.

A bit of background on my childhood: While I was growing up, there were daily beatings. There were weeks when my parents had to keep me home from school and inside so that no one would see the marks they left on my body and face. In addition, they allowed another family member to rape me on a daily basis. This happened until I gained a voice and an ally at age 13 (my first boyfriend, who was 36) to help me escape.

I worked very diligently to overcome their abuse. I went into therapy and gained a lot of emotional clarity and wisdom. I grew more compassionate and less judgmental. I had a good life and successful career. I owe much to my late husband. He was so very kind and loving.

When I made the decision to return to my childhood home, where all of this abuse occurred, I thought that my parents had aged out of their physical violence and were changed people. Unfortunately, they are the same.

The primary reason I am seeking your guidance is to learn how to cope with the emotional violence that my mom directs at me at every opportunity. She complains that I do not clean the house well, that I generate too much garbage, that I’m not grateful enough to her for taking me in, etc. These encounters are becoming more and more emotionally and physically draining. I have made efforts to set boundaries. However, her response is, “This is my house, and I do not have to acknowledge or respect your boundaries.”

It is becoming more difficult to endure these emotional verbal attacks. I still owe them money. As I’m working only part time, this will take a bit of time. I have sought full-time employment.

I hope that you can provide some guidance. I am amenable to anything at this point.

— Still Suffering

There is much more here than I can unpack in the space of a column. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered growing up. Given that history, your parents’ house is a toxic and unsustainable place for you to be. I know you said you have financial constraints, but I urge you to take steps to find another living situation immediately. Visit your local Social Security office to see what financial benefits you might be eligible for. I also encourage you to resume therapy.

My husband and I were in a situation similar to that of the unsympathetic patrons described by “Where Is the Love?” — whose grandson has autism and makes loud noises. Though we had great sympathy for the family, we found the disturbance profound. We quietly asked our server whether we could be moved, and when that was accomplished, we requested that the check for the family’s meal be given to us. Quiet for us, a treat for the family — a win-win! — Been on the Other

Side

What a fantastic way to approach the situation. Your letter gave me a big smile. Please keep spreading that love and positivity.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators. com.

ACROSS

1 Torn 11 __ drop 14 Shakes on it 15 Andean cash

crop 16 Parents often

limit it 17 GPS displays 18 Worn 19 Dog in the Reagan White House 20 Try 21 __ strength 23 Northern cruise

destination 25 Yeshiva

reference 28 Works like Beethoven’s “Ah! perfido” 29 Lean, to

sailors 33 1988 self-titled

C&W album 34 “Wanna bet?” 35 “My mistake” 38 Mark 39 Cheek, in

slang 40 Zipped

(through) 41 Comedic

honker 42 Jam 44 Western range 46 Uncompromising

types 51 Mideast carrier 52 Took in 55 Written creation of Michelangelo 56 __ lives 57 Unlikely to inherit the crown soon 59 1860s-’70s Black Hawk War combatants 60 Station 61 Basilica bench 62 Some squirts

DOWN

1 “Ready?”

response 2 Mother-of-pearl 3 Ohio university 4 Exploits 5 “Over there!” 6 Super

superior 7 WV summer

hours 8 ’70s Mideast

prime minister 9 Jerry Herman

musical 10 Amazon

assistant 11 Makes one’s

residence 12 Rockefeller Center holiday visitor 13 Discard 15 Large falls 22 Raises 24 Spike 26 Roughly 27 Strapped 29 “Chill out!” 30 Ancient Semitic language speaker 31 Begin again 32 Polliwogs 36 Vegas’ __

Museum 37 Declining 43 Palm parts 45 Off-color 47 Coastal feature 48 Wading bird 49 Purport 50 Marks in

margins 53 Leaf used in the dish laulau 54 Genesis

character 58 Begin to type?