Wedding gifts under warranty?
My very good friend “Pamela” has a son who recently got married. The wedding took place in the middle of September. The bride decided at the beginning of December that she didn’t want to be married. My question is this: Who gets the gifts? The bride and groom were living with her parents until they bought a home, so they didn’t use any of their wedding gifts. The groom just bought a house. I say that he should get the gifts; he is not the one who decided to leave the marriage. — Wedding Present
Problems
The law varies by state. Generally, if the gifts were given to the couple, then the gifts are communal property and will be divided up however the rest of their property is divided up. It’s worth the husband consulting an attorney on this matter. Morally speaking, that’s a different question, but I tend to agree with you: This woman put him out in the cold. The least she could do is let him have the toaster.
My husband and I have lived together for more than 30 years, and we decided to get married about 15 years ago. We live in a different state than his family and don’t see them often. We do exchange cards, holiday gifts, calls, etc. Several women in his family (specifically, his sister and her adult daughter) will not address me in writing by my name. I kept my birth name when I married and they know that, but anything they send to us either refers to “John and Mary Smith” (his last name) or “The Smiths.”
— Ms. Addressed
Write this off as ignorance. Sure, there’s a chance they’re deliberately disrespecting your choice to keep your name — but you’d only be assuming that. Recall that old saying about what happens when you assume: The language is a shade too colorful for a family paper, but the gist is not to do it.
Truly, it costs you nothing to generously give others the benefit of the doubt, even to those who haven’t earned it. So presume innocence, and ask your husband to remind them again of your last name. If he resists because “it isn’t a big deal,” tell him that it’s important to you. Not every matter needs to be cataclysmic to be worthy of addressing.
Thanks for your article on grieving and saying, “Don’t let anyone tell you how or when to grieve.” My brother was killed in a gun accident 39 years ago and my mother was never the same. I remember her saying that after a while someone tried to be “helpful” by suggesting it was time to move on. It didn’t go over well. — Gary in Indianapolis
Iamso sorry for the tragic loss of your brother. And I’m sorry your mother had to hear those words when she was suffering. There is no perfect thing to say to someone who is grieving: The most important thing you can do is just to show up for them and listen.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
Sure, there’s a chance they’re deliberately disrespecting your choice to keep your name — but you’d only be assuming that.