Bitten by love
DEAR ANNIE >> I ended a relationship about a year ago when it turned abusive. My girlfriend at the time acted like she was going to give me a kiss after an argument but instead bit me in the face. The first time was bad, but about a month later (after not dumping her immediately like I should have), she did it again except viciously, like an animal. Needless to say, I’ve been happily single since.
I’m looking to get back into dating now, as I feel like I have healed and grown from this, but I still have one problem.
I’m afraid of letting any new potential partners kiss me. If someone gets their face too close to mine or I can feel their breath, I panic. Total amygdala hijack.
How do I ask a woman whose kisses I want to not kiss me?
I know that with a little time and some desensitization by planned exposure, I can overcome this, but I just feel like it’s a terribly unfair thing to ask of a new potential partner.
I’m concerned about one aspect specifically: How do I ask this of them and not freak them out or make them feel unsafe in the immediate? Or if not unsafe, then like an absolute rejection?
“Hey, so, don’t kiss me, please” would make me feel rejected. But if I come out and explain why, wouldn’t that give you the instacreeps? Got any suggestions?
— Twice Bitten
DEAR TWICE BITTEN >> Writing this column is a privilege I’m grateful to have, but it’s not easy hearing how people abuse the ones they’re supposed to love. I’m so sorry that your exgirlfriend did this to you. Of course the trauma would make it difficult for you to kiss anyone again. While you might be able to overcome this just fine on your own over time, I encourage you to seek support in the process. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-7997233, or text “START” to 88788. These empathetic trained specialists can help you work through what you’re feeling and develop a game plan to help you feel safe again. In the meantime, my advice is just to let any woman you’re dating know that you’d like to take it slowly. You don’t owe anyone details you’re not comfortable sharing yet. And if such a reasonable request scares a woman off, then she wasn’t the one for you.
DEAR ANNIE >> Your answer to “In Love but Losing,” who was dating a younger man but whose adult son did not approve, was great. My boyfriend is 27 years younger than me. We have been together for eight years, living together for seven. We rarely even remember that there is an age difference. My son, who is a few years older than my boyfriend, didn’t approve at first but kept an open mind, and now he and my boyfriend get along. They call, text, hang out, sometimes even without me. The only family problem we still have is with my boyfriend’s mom and sister. (I’m the same age as his mother.) They feel I am keeping him from finding someone to be happy with for the rest of his life. My response to them is every day he leaves the house to go to work, he chooses to return.
— No Judgment There
DEAR NJT >> Congrats on eight great years. Love is the world’s most precious commodity. Far be it from me or anyone else to begrudge those who find it in unexpected places.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.