Infidelity from both sides

DEAR ANNIE » I just finished reading the letter from “Caged Bird,” and my heart broke for her. The reason is because I lived that same life, and her letter could have been my own.

What was done to her by her mother and to me by my mother were not the products of “motherly love” or “misguided motherly concern.” These were the actions of a controlling, manipulative, abusive woman. Period. I escaped from her control.

— Lived It

DEAR LIVED IT » I’m so glad that you escaped from your mother’s abuse. Please make sure that you are in therapy and allowing yourself to escape from the pain that she imposed on you. I hope your letter lets “Caged Bird” know that she is not alone and many others have flown out of the cage of control, abuse and manipulation.

Now that you have flown out of your mother’s abuse, it is time to grieve the relationship that you never had with her. Every child wants their mother to love and support them. When there is abuse involved, the child will constantly try to please the mom or think that they are somehow to blame — that they did something wrong to have a mother who acted that way. As an adult, you can see that it was not you at all and that, sadly, your mother was not a well person. Give yourself time to grieve that relationship that never existed.

Grief is part of the human experience, and sharing our vulnerability helps us create truly close bonds with others.

DEAR ANNIE » I want to point out one possible cause for why “Caged Bird’s” mother could be acting so controlling with her daughter, who missed out on life growing up: Her mother did not act out of love but jealousy.

Her mother played favorites with her sons. Her mother was probably jealous that her daughter would grow up and become better than her. How sad, but now is the time for her to soar and leave her toxic upbringing behind.

— One More Possible Reason

DEAR REASON » Your letter brings up a very good point. The fact that she treated her daughter so much differently than her son could absolutely be a sign of jealousy. Thank you for your insight.

DEAR ANNIE » I just read your article about the husband having a relationship with someone in the office. The wife asked why women try to break up marriages like that. I’d like to offer some insight, as I’ve had experiences on both sides of the issue.

First, in dating a married man, I lost sight of the morals my parents had instilled in me. I was young and naive, and I believed what the man was saying to me about him wanting to leave his supposed loveless marriage. It took me years to figure out I set myself up for failure in coupling with someone who was already coupled. It was a way for me to be safe from true commitment, although I didn’t realize I was doing that psychologically.

Years later, when I was married, my husband cheated on me with a bevy of women, some of them knowing he was married. When I heard all those women on the voicemail, my now ex-husband tried to say they were not calls for him. He was a cheater, period. I knew from my own experience that I had to be the No. 1 priority, because I deserved it. And that’s what relationships should be. I’m remarried and happy now. My heart goes out to the wife, hoping she can stay strong and make decisions that prioritize her mental health and personal happiness. — Finally Happy the Second Time Around

DEAR FINALLY HAPPY » Thank you for sharing your experiences, and congratulations on finding a partner who brings you peace and happiness.