Itching for intimacy
DEAR ANNIE » I am having a real hard time right now. My husband — of only five years — and I married quite quickly after we met. Before this, I was with a man for over 20 years. He is the father of my children. I was very unhappy in that relationship, and when I met my now husband, an affair started very quickly, and we were married within a year of our meeting. I never had the urge to marry my ex.
I am 48, and my husband is more than 10 years older than me. The problem is that shortly after we were married, he couldn’t perform anymore, and it has been five years of no sexual intercourse.
We even sought help from a doctor. I have spoken to him about this and how it makes me feel, and nothing seems to change. I don’t know what else to do. I have put on weight and don’t look the same as I did when we married. I use food as a crutch because I’m depressed, but so does he.
I need help. I know sex is not the only important thing in a marriage, but to me it’s huge. To feel wanted and needed by my partner is a must. It’s such a big deal that there are days when I just want to pack things up and never return.
Please help me, as I’m lost on what to do.
— Daydreaming
DEAR DAYDREAMING » Ahead of everything else, you have to get treatment for your depression. Contact a therapist or life coach to help you get back to feeling like yourself. Once you do something for yourself, and not anyone else, you can gain some perspective on your marriage.
Your husband’s lack of intimacy is hurtful, and it is understandable that you are upset and sad. After you start to feel better about yourself, I would suggest marriage counseling to address this subject. He clearly has a problem with marriage itself. Having an affair, he could perform, but after he was married, he went from being a stud to a dud.
DEAR ANNIE » My wife and I divorced seven years ago. She received the house in the divorce, but there was a mortgage attached to it that was in my name only.
Our divorce decree stated that she should secure her own mortgage, but she still hasn’t done that yet.
Unfortunately, the divorce decree did not specify the amount of time she had to secure that mortgage, and my lawyer says I have little legal recourse as a result.
She has been late on the mortgage payment several times in the past few years, and this has damaged my credit rating severely.
There are 10 years left on the original loan, and the balance due is $40,000. I have asked her numerous times when she is going to have the mortgage put in her name. She just deflects and says that she is “working on it.”
Annie, I’m at my wits’ end and don’t know how else to convince her to take care of this. Would it be wrong of me to threaten legal action, even though it probably wouldn’t be upheld in a court of law?
— Frustrated Nice Guy
DEAR FRUSTRATED NICE GUY » No, it would not be wrong to threaten legal action. It is understandable that you are at your wits’ end. Most people would be. She is hurting your credit score and taking advantage of you. Why just threaten? She is acting very immature and callous.
Seek legal counsel and find out what protections and next steps you can take to protect your credit.