Suffering and sworn to secrecy
DEAR ANNIE >> My in-laws have been married for more than 50 years. For most of that time, it has not been a marriage of love or respect. My father-in-law “John” has a history of being a womanizer and has treated my motherin-law “Jane” with constant disrespect, which has manifested itself in verbal and mental abuse over the years. John comes across to people outside of our family as a fun-loving guy who is always the life of the party, when in reality, that is the total opposite of what people close to him see. I can’t remember the last time that John said a kind word to my mother-in-law, and it really makes me sad that she has lived her life in such a miserable marriage. I believe that they have stayed together for so long because they have developed a successful business that neither of them would like to see dissolved in the name of divorce.
It is common knowledge in our family that my father-in-law has been unfaithful at times throughout their marriage, but I have recently become aware of a situation that is burning a hole in my heart. At a get-together, I overheard a conversation in which John was sharing a story with one of his longtime friends about having sex with a woman who has been part of their business community for decades. The part of the story that I cannot get out of my mind is not the graphic description of the act itself, but the fact that he started the story with the year that it happened; it was the year that my wife was born! I was so floored that I couldn’t speak, and I just continued to listen as he bragged about this event to his buddy.
I don’t know whether this happened when Jane was pregnant or when my wife was a newborn, but knowing this information has devastated me emotionally. What kind of man does something like that? I feel sick that I now am burdened with this information. I just can’t wrap my mind around why he would even share such a story of adultery in such appalling detail after so many years. Clearly, he’s proud of his conquest, even after all this time, which I find especially shameful.
My question to you is, what should I do with this information? I cannot continue to keep this to myself because the anxiety it has caused me is overwhelming. I really feel that I need to let John know that I am privy to his little secret, but I’m not sure how to bring it up.
— Anguished by Adultery
DEAR ANGUISHED >> You’re right; this guy is a real jerk. If his infidelity really is common knowledge, then I doubt telling your wife or your mother-in-law of this new discovery will do anyone any good. They are probably well aware of his cheating. The broader concern of your mother-in-law being in an abusive marriage, however, is something worth addressing. If your wife is on your side, I would encourage her to talk to her mother about seeking professional help — to protect both her mental health, by seeing a therapist, and her legal assets in the case of a divorce, by seeing a lawyer.
If your wife does not see what you see, then approach your motherin-law yourself, when she is alone and in a safe place, away from her husband. Tell her that you love her and that it’s not too late for her to find happiness with someone who respects her.
You should also seek the help of a therapist for your own benefit. That should help relieve you of the overwhelming anxiety of keeping this secret.