Boyfriend is acting more like a roommate
DEAR ANNIE >> I have been in a long-term relationship with my significant other for over 10 years. It started out as a long-distance relationship, but he moved in with me about eight years ago. It’s been a rocky road, but for the most part, we stuck with it.
My problem is I’m just not sure he is the person I really want or deserve. Money is a large issue between us. He refuses to buy groceries together, claiming I spend too much money, and he prefers the cheaper, less expensive option. I buy healthier food, so naturally it is more expensive. The result is we don’t eat meals together. I feel resentful when he eats food I’ve purchased and prepared.
I own the house, and he refuses to pay half of the bills. He says there’s nothing in it for him. He has refused to help with the recent sharp increase in utility bills. He does pay rent, $600, but that’s it. The icing on the cake is that, from the moment he gets home from work, until he goes to the downstairs bedroom, he plays video games and watches TV. To be fair, I should add that my job is training dogs, and he isn’t a huge fan of animals, so his excuse for staying in the man cave is he doesn’t like living with dogs. But he knew I was a trainer from the first day he met me.
Am I being unfair to him? I’d like to spend more time with him, and I’d like him to pay half the bills and to buy groceries together. It doesn’t feel like we are a couple at all. Help!
— Missing the Romance
DEAR MISSING THE ROMANCE >>
When couples move in together, they often forget that quality time still requires effort and intention. Just because you’re under the same roof doesn’t mean you are growing as a couple or enjoying the company of your partner (as you know). Make a commitment to spend some time together each day. It can be something small — think watching a movie, taking a walk or sharing a meal.
As for the financial stress, it is essential that you both learn to communicate. Sit down with your boyfriend and take a look at all of your expenses — both the ones you incur individually and the ones you incur together. It will be hard for him to deny the fact that he isn’t pulling his weight when the numbers are right there in front of him. If he still refuses to pay his fair share, then it might be a sign he is taking advantage of your generosity — in which case, he should move out.
On the other hand, if you are both willing to put some intention behind your relationship, and prioritize communication along the way, then you will be able to grow in a positive direction. A good therapist will help.
When couples move in together, they often forget that quality time still requires effort and intention. Just because you’re under the same roof doesn’t mean you are growing as a couple or enjoying the company of your partner (as you know).