When it comes to Trump vs. Clin­ton, my ad­vice is to ... punt

Daily Local News (West Chester, PA) - - FEATURES - Jeff Edel­stein Colum­nist Jeff Edel­stein is a colum­nist for The Tren­to­nian, a sis­ter news­pa­per of The Daily Lo­cal News. He can be reached at jedel­stein@ tren­to­nian.com.

Com­bine the time I’ve spent think­ing about fan­tasy foot­ball (who should I play?), women (who should I try and get with?) and booze (where’s the party at?), and you’ll end up with about 90 per­cent of my brain’s out­put since I was 14 years old. Se­ri­ously. If I wasn’t mar­ried with kids, the num­ber would be closer to 98.

A wasted life? Yeah, well, what­ever. Have you cured cancer? Didn’t think so.

Any­way, in honor of the most ridicu­lous de­bate in pres­i­den­tial his­tory, I will present a few metaphors con­cern­ing my life’s “work” as it re­lates to this elec­tion.

But first, let me tell you where I’m com­ing from: I’m vot­ing for Hil­lary Clin­ton with­out a sec­ond thought. It’s not be­cause I think she’s a great can­di­date, not be­cause I think she will do great things, not be­cause I think she’s per­fect for the job. I’m vot­ing for her be­cause she is not Don­ald Trump.

Any­way, who doesn’t love a good metaphor?

FOOT­BALL: A foot­ball game is 60 min­utes. I’m 44 years old. I plan to live to around 85 or so. As such, it’s early in the third quar­ter for me. I’m do­ing good, not great when it comes to my eco­nomic life. Ba­si­cally, I’m down 13-10 with 12:59 left in the third and I’m fac­ing a 4th and 3 at my own 40 yard line. I’m go­ing to punt. Hil­lary Clin­ton is my punt.

I’d vote for Trump if I were down 35-0. But I’m not. And nei­ther is Amer­ica. Things are markedly bet­ter than they were when Obama took over. Are things great? No. But things have sta­bi­lized. Trump is hail mary. We don’t need it. Don’t need the risk.

I’ll take my chances for the next four years with Clin­ton. Let my de­fense do some work. Re­group for 2020.

BOOZE: Hil­lary Clin­ton is a few fin­gers of bour­bon be­fore din­ner, a glass of wine with din­ner, maybe a night­cap af­ter. You’ll wake up in the morn­ing a lit­tle worse for wear, but you’ll be able to get on with it. Maybe you think twice next time, maybe you don’t, ei­ther way, life con­tin­ues.

Trump is a 30-pack of Mil­wau­kee’s Best and you’re go­ing to drink un­til you puke, be­cause that’s what hap­pens when you buy a 30-pack of Mil­wau­kee’s Best. It can’t end well. It never does. No one has ever bought a 30-pack of Mil­wau­kee’s Best and looked back one day and said, “That was the right call.”

WOMEN: OK fine, Hil­lary is not my ideal. She seems too stiff. Teacher’s pet type. What­ever.

But Trump? Trump is the hot babe with sass and you think maybe, just maybe you’ve hit the jack­pot only you find out later on that “sass” is just a cover for “bat­shiz crazy” and she ends up melt­ing down your clas­sic vinyl one day be­cause she thinks you were hit­ting on her cousin Gina at Thanks­giv­ing, which, for the record, you weren’t. You were just be­ing cor­dial and, in fact, dis­cussing the rel­a­tive mer­its of PARCC test­ing for 6th graders. Metaphors are the best!!! Lis­ten: I get it. I get the ap­peal of Trump. I’m at­tracted to the idea. I’m fine with an “out­sider” get­ting the keys to the coun­try for a few years. I’m fine with a con­ser­va­tive be­ing in charge. We could prob­a­bly use it.

But Trump can­not be that per­son. His de­bate per­for­mance was ridicu­lous. Loud, bom­bas­tic, full of lies and half-truths. He is not, in any way, pres­i­den­tial. I can­not see a path where a Trump pres­i­dency is good for Amer­ica, short of ev­ery­one all of a sud­den tak­ing a keen in­ter­est in civics to make sure it never hap­pens again.

Back to my metaphors: A punt is the right call right now. It re­ally is. Let’s try and find the right con­ser­va­tive out­sider for 2020, the right per­son for the job. Not just the first, loud­est, cra­zi­est sexy gal to belly up to the bar.

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