Attention America: Our evolutionary needs are being met at Texas Roadhouse in Hamilton
Democrat or Republican, Mets or Yankees, pro-life or pro-choice.
We sure can separate ourselves in this country. We’re really good at it.
But there is one thing we can all agree on, and that is we like to eat until we’re full, and then we like to eat more. We are gluttons. So be it.
Of course, there is some science to this. We’re fighting billions of years of evolution here. Our bodies are trained to store fat. Hard to stay alive through brutal winters 10,000 years ago without your body keeping the pounds on. We’re hardwired to eat until we burst. This is why everyone struggles with diets and the like. Makes sense. Plenty of science backs this up.
And yet, there are still limits to our ability to pound down the food. Unless you’re Joey Chestnut and train your body to eat 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes, you know that at a certain point, you just … can’t … have … one … more … bite.
And then 10 minutes later? OK One More Bite Just A Teense.
Bottom line? We live to eat. (And for those of you who “eat to live,” guess what? You’re doing it wrong.)
Which brings me to Texas Roadhouse in Hamilton. Full disclosure: I love Texas Roadhouse. Went there for the first time a few years ago, liked it so much, thought they did such a great job, I even diverted some of my daily fantasy sports winnings and bought stock in the company. Got it at $20, it’s now $38 (got as high as $48, should’ve sold, oh well). And listen — I’m not a chain restaurant connoisseur. When I eat out, I want authentic, I want small, I want the chef and the owner to be the same person. But Texas Roadhouse? They do it right.
And so when I heard they are, for the month of October, hosting the Texas Sized Challenge, I had to dedicate a few column inches to it.
Basically, they are offering a free meal to anyone who walks in the door. Only hitch? The meal is four rolls, two sides, and one steak. One 64-ounce steak. That’s right. They’ve pulled a page out of “The Great Outdoors” and offering us, the Great American Gluttons (GAGs), the chance to prove, once and for all, how ridiculous we can be.
Let me say this: It’s huge, this steak. And 64 ounces is so big a number, it’s practically abstract. Consider this: A quarter-pound hamburger, naked on a plate. Now consider 16 of them. That’s what you have to eat. (And if you fail? You pay. $65 and change.)
And the rules? They’re no joke. Really. No joking. Dead serious rules. You have an hour, can’t stand up, will be watched closely, will fail if you get “sick.” They won’t make you eat the fat, but they’re going to make you eat every last shred of meat.
I tried to get a group of GAGs together to take on the challenge. I had plenty of interest. One by one, people backed out. It’s a lot of food. I would fail miserably.
“If I had nothing to eat the day before, I could probably do it,” said Alex Cooper of Hamilton, who eyed up the 64-ouncer with me the other day. “I’d walk around pregnant for the next day.” His wife, Gay, is not so sure. “Oh my goodness,” she said. “I don’t think I could eat the little one next to it.” The “little” one is 8 ounces. So listen: Is eating four pounds of steak (plus four rolls and two sides, don’t forget) a good idea? Of course it isn’t. But it’s a beautiful, gluttonous, evolutionary, ultra-American idea.
If you go for it, take pictures, video, the whole thing. Send it to me. I’ll share.