A few excerpts from the autobiography of Chris Christie

So New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie wants the legislature to let him write a book while he’s still in office. In return, he’s slamming taxpayers by giving some 700 public officials a raise. Ridiculous. But for those of you who are interested in what Christie’s book is going to contain, well … don’t ask me how I got it (Russian hackers) but here are excerpts from Christie’s forthcoming autobiography, “Are You There Bruce Springsteen? It’s Me, Chris.”

***** How can I even put this into words … gosh, I hate even putting it in these terms, but it’s the best I can do: Have you ever spoken with a smack addict? I have. It’s terrible. Just a terrible disease, this drug addiction. But these addicts will tell you right to your face how great the high is, especially the first time. One addict told me it was like a “full body orgasm.”

And that’s the closest I can get to describing what hugging Jerry Jones was like. After Tony Romo threw that touchdown, it was like the heavens opened up and God himself came down and allowed us a glimpse into the infinite. And when my arms reached out and grabbed that beautiful man, it was pure bliss ...

***** Coincidences are a fun part of life. One minute you’re here, the next minute something crazy happens, all you can do is shrug your shoulders and chuckle. And so yes, while even I can admit the optics were bad when it was discovered I just happened to be shopping at The Traffic Cone Emporium on Rt. 3 in Passaic the day before the Fort Lee/George Washington Bridge traffic study was set to begin, all I can say is it was a coincidence. I love traffic cones, always have, won’t make any excuses for my hobby ...

***** I will admit, being wooed by Nancy Reagan and Henry Kissinger to jump into the 2012 race made me feel pretty good. Also Barbara Bush, the Koch brothers, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, Karl Rove, everyone. They all wanted me to run. They thought I was born to run. Believe me, it was tempting. But I was still a first term governor, and 2016 was going to be ripe for the taking and OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T I RUN OH MY GOD STUPID CHRIS STUPID CHRIS STUPID CHRIS …

****** If Bruce Springsteen would be my best friend, I’d raise the minimum wage to $15, legalize marijuana, and perform abortions myself ...

***** I owe Mary Pat so much. Just a beautiful, caring, loving wife. I certainly married up. And she saved me after my mini-meltdown. No other way to put it. Straight talk here folks. In the beginning, it was funny to her, all the attention being paid to something so trivial. And sure, when I’d come home at night and sit down to dinner, it certainly was a talking point. But I had been putting in long days and wasn’t even thinking about it by the time pasta fagioli hit the bowl. When she saw it in bed, she started questioning things, but it wasn’t until she saw me in the shower with it when she intervened. I denied there was a problem, she insisted there was. I eventually believed her. She is my rock. And so on that morning, February 7, 2013, and after 98 consecutive days, I finally took off the fleece ..

***** At the time of this writing, my approval rating sits at 18 percent. Does this upset me? Nah. I’m a big boy, I know how these things work. Besides, I’m sure my ratings will shoot up after Dallas wins the Super Bowl and I get to hug Jerry again. How ‘bout dem Cowboys!

***** You know, even I had to laugh when people thought Donald Trump was holding me hostage during that press conference. Come on. Even crazier were the people who thought I was brainwashed or something. I must kill the queen I must kill the queen I must kill the queen. Just sheer nonsense.

***** In the end, all I really ever want is my family to be happy and healthy. That’s it. And maybe a Taylor ham, egg and cheese on a hard roll. God, haven’t had one of those in six years. And yes, all you numbnuts south of Morris County, it’s Taylor ham.