If New Jersey has an ‘Obama Highway,’ it should be ...?

I have never been so offended by a member of the New Jersey state legislature. It’s one thing to be disrespectful; it’s a whole ‘nuther thing to be disrespectful of a sitting president. Get this: Assemblywoman Annette Quijano wants to name Route 1 in Mercer and Middlesex county as the “President Barack H. Obama Highway.”

That’s right: Quijano hates Obama so much, she wants to name the worst stretch of road this side of the White Horse Circle after Obama. The nerve of this woman. “President Obama was a transformational president,” Quijano said in a statement late last year. “When our children look back on the accomplishments of this president, they will look back in reverence the same way we look back on Franklin Roosevelt. He will be the measure of what it means to be a great president, and I believe memorializing President Obama with the naming of one our most important state highways is a significant honor to bestow.” Oh. Wait. She means this as an honor. My bad. It just seemed at first blush that naming Route 1 after Obama is something an Obama hater would propose. Like it was Mitch McConnell’s idea or something. I mean, Route 1 is a disaster. You have a better chance of surviving the Thunderdome.

But now that I think about it, maybe the Route 1 designation does fit Obama. Consider:

1) It is non-stop stop-and-go. Congested all damn day. Kind of exactly like Obama in the last eight years trying to get legislation through the GOP-controlled congress.

2) By the time you’re done travelling on Route 1, you need a cigarette, and you know Obama is still feeling those pangs, assuming he actually completely quit. (I’m dubious.)

3) It ends loudly. You get out of Middlesex and into Union, hit Rahway and Linden, things get loud, dystopic, and chaotic. Kind of like the election of Donald Trump.

4) It takes about eight years to get the hang of getting onto 95 South without causing an accident on Route 1 South. And Obama was president for — wait for it — eight years. And lastly, 5) It started out shiny and new, and now it’s all grey and a little weathered looking, if we’re being honest.

But really: If Quijano wants to honor Obama, she should propose we rename Interstate 195 after him.

Right now, it’s known as the James J. Howard Interstate Highway, named after the man who — and this is true — invented cotton candy.

Actually, that’s a lie. But I never heard of him, so I guessed on the cotton candy thing. Turns out he was a Congressman from New Jersey, died in 1988. But really: You believed the cotton candy story, didn’t you? Anyway, I-195 fits Obama a lot better. It’s a cruising highway, not a lot of exits, not a lot of congestion, easy to navigate. Two lanes for the most part, simple and sleek. And it ends at the beach, and Obama is chill like that. It’s a natural fit. “What are you doing this weekend, bruh?” “Gonna head down the Obama to Belmar and catch some tasty waves, bruh.”

See? Natural.