Speak truth in love

Dear Chaplain: How do you tell your husband or wife that their drinking is spiraling out of control and is becoming a problem, without causing a problem in the marriage? Signed, Hard to Say

Dear Hard to Say: Thank you for your question. Spiritually speaking, addiction of any kind, is a form of bondage. It’s being stuck in, and unable to free yourself from, an addictive cycle. As a chaplain, my first suggestion would be for the healthy spouse to pray for their husband or wife’s deliverance, asking God to give him or her the words to speak and an opportunity to speak them in order to effect a positive change. Moses didn’t just pop in on Pharaoh and demand that he let his people go. They would have never been freed. Instead, when God revealed to Moses what the problem was (Pharaoh’s heart), God and Moses consulted about it, and Moses was told when to address Pharaoh, what to say, and what to do. My second suggestion would be for the healthy spouse to clearly and directly tell the husband or wife what the problem is and how it is negatively impacting him or her and the people around them. Last, I would suggest that the healthy spouse reinforce their love for the person, but also letting him or her know that something has to change, because in order for there to be a change, a change must take place, or else they’ll remain on a hamster wheel running in the same circle. And a change could be no longer buying their alcohol or being in their presence while drinking. Difficult conversations are hard to have, especially concerning things we really don’t want to talk about. But as Ephesians 4:15 says, when “we” learn to speak truth in love, “we” become mature believers. Praying for your strength.