Marriage recovers from affair

About 12 years ago, I made a terrible mistake and had an affair. My husband loved me enough to forgive me, and our marriage has been fine ever since.

The problem is, I can’t forgive myself. I hate myself! I could have lost everything, including our two kids. I think of all the time I wasted when I could have shared that time with them, and I beat myself up daily over this.

I have been depressed for so long. How do I get over this? I’m on meds, but it’s deeper than that. I feel I have a seat waiting in hell because of it. So — no chance for heaven — what’s the point in trying to be happy?

I can’t afford counseling, and I don’t have a priest to talk to. Is there some kind of counseling group online I could join?