The perfect cover letter for aspiring White House chiefs of staff

I awoke on Monday to find myself in complete agreement with President Trump. “Democrats can’t find a Smocking Gun tying the Trump campaign to Russia after James Comey’s testimony,” he tweeted, repeating that there is “No Smocking Gun.”

This is true! Though Trump appears to be in considerable legal trouble, no one investigating the president is believed to have found a smocking gun. Even if investigators had such a weapon, it is unclear what they would use it for — other than embroidering a Christmas gift for Trump.

The president, with this gobsmocking tweet, appears to be a bit distracted. This is understandable because he is parting with his second chief of staff in as many years and can’t seem to find a record-setting third. A 36-year-old staffer, Nick Ayers, turned down the job, and other likely candidates have said they aren’t interested in the post, which comes with fringe benefits of public humiliation and legal liability.

The problem, it would seem, is that Trump has fallen into that old Washington trap of looking for a chief of staff who is “qualified” or “competent,” when he really needs a chief of staff who is more like him.

Annie Linskey reported in the Boston Globe earlier this year that White House officials draft tweets for Trump using “suspect grammar” and Random Capitalization, “believing that debates over presidential typos fortify the belief within his base that he has the common touch.”

Likewise, Trump needs a chief of staff who will fortify this belief, not one who is proficient in common English usage. In this spirit, I offer the president the following cover letter, in which every sentence uses a spelling first deployed by the president or his enterprising staff. Dear Mr. Predisent : I am dieing here! The situation with you finding a chief of staff has become rediculous.

Nick Ayers turning down the job was a big shoker. You already had reached a dael! Well, to bad for him. And I hear your wife Melanie didn’t like him either.

You were right to fire John Kelly — a real lose cannon. What a discgrace to the Marine Core! In the end, the great general was just another chocker. And that little schitt Reince Priebus? One of the dummer people I’ve met. He just could not handel the job.

This is a time for heeling in your White House, and heel we will! And so I hear by make you this unpresidented offer: I will serve as your chief of staff. If you tapp me for the roll, I will make you proud to have me at your side on Air Force Once.

Quite simply, I smock the competition. I will give you my honest councel at all times. I would implement your polices without question and never challenge your judgement. Your insticts are my insticts.

For me, this would be the honer of a lifetime. I have traveled the world in preparation for this moment, from Denmakr to San Bernadino, from Phoneix to West Virginina. All along the way, I have poured over your record and payed close attention to your accomplishments. As chief of staff, I would work day and knight to develope new ways to make you win.

And I promise we will win — despite the constant negative press covfefe (V was poorly covered). I can promise you a big win for Republicans! We. And when we leave the White House together in 2025, Scott Free, you will say there wss never a more historical decision than naming me chief of staff.

Please, sir, do not waite. Mr. President, your attakers are everywhere: Mr. Comey’let. The Dick Blumenthal. Barrack Obama. But with me running your White House staff, you simply cannot loose. For us, no challenge is to great. Together, we will promote the possibility of lasting peach.