Man wrapped up in his world has little to give his family

DEARABBY » My husband and I have beenmarried for 30 years. He has always been self- centered. We have discussed this over the years, and it hasn’t changed his disposition. I bought him an “It’s All About Me” coffee cup years ago as a joke, and he enjoys using it!

We both have office jobs and day- to- day issues and problems with our employees and co- workers. If we talk on the phone at lunch or over dinner, he describes his daily issues in excruciating detail, looking for my feedback/ input and then moves on. There is never a time I can update him onmy issues and get his input to help with mine because he’s too busy thinking about his issues.

He cares deeply about our adult children, but doesn’t give theminput on their issues either. If I don’t remind himabout the challenges ( i. e., buying a new car, looking for a new job, etc.) they want our advice on, he would never reach out to them to assist. I amnot sure if this is a personality trait Imust live with or if you have some ideas to improve this situation.

— All about him

DEARALLABOUTHIM » Has it occurred to you that in some areas your husbandmay be less selfcentered than an empty vessel? Hemay not help youwith your daily issues because he doesn’t have the answers.

Assuming you have talked to himabout this until you are blue in the face, the next time he asks for your input, youmight consider being less helpful. Or, beat himto the punch and tell him about your problems before he has a chance to tell you the ones he is having.

As to your adult children, they should go directly to their father when they seek his advice and continue to approach him until they get it.

DEARABBY » I have a dear friend I’ve known for 25 years and I consider to be family. We recently had a falling- out because I set some boundaries I feel are necessary formy ownwellness as I grow intomy 40s. The boundaries revolve around disrespectful or belittling speech.

My friend is gay and excuses the disrespect as theway his community speaks among themselves. He often calls me the b- word in fun, as well as similar names. I have told him it hurts me, but he refuses to acknowledge it, dismissing it as “you know, since high school that’s howwe talk.” He might show some restraint at times, but when he’s drinking ( which is often), he reverts back to making cruel or hurtful comments.

I amnowa singlemother, looking to grow and evolve into a better person, rebuildmy selfesteemand possibly find a partner in life, butmy friend keeps pullingme back into a dark place every timewe speak. I care toomuch about himtowalk away fromthis friendship. What can I do?

— Boundaries set in California

DEARBOUNDARIES » Maintain your boundaries by leaving his presence if he uses that language. Oh, and one more thing: When you know he’s been drinking, avoid him because, if you don’t, you know what will follow.

For everything youneed to know about wedding planning, order “How toHave a Lovely Wedding.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $ 8 ( U. S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P. O. Box 447, MountMorris, IL 61054- 0447. ( Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Dear Abby