Zoom can be very enlightening

It sounded like this at my house, after trying to start a yoga class I’ve been teaching for 25 years, now on Zoom.

Me (talking out loud): Why isn’t this working? Did I set up something weird, did I push a wrong button, did I allow people to join before me, did I mandate a passcode, did I co-host somebody, did I block people, is this thing recording, did I spotlight someone, is my video on, is my audio off, is there a worldwide shutdown or is this just me, is this the right day, the right hour, the right time zone, would I be able to get on if I lived in Hawaii? Papua New Guinea? Thailand? Silence. Panic. My students are sending me notes. They’re on, I’m not.

I run up from the studio to consult the local technical expert, the often-patient Ray, except when it comes to me and anything high tech.

Ray: NO, NO, NO, don’t push that button. Stop pushing buttons, you’re always pushing buttons. Stop, just stop.

Clock ticking. Class late. Panic.

Me: So, what do you suggest?

Ray: Go out and go back in.

Me: I’m afraid I’ll end the meeting and won’t be able to start it again.

Ray: What choice do you have?

Me: That’s why I asked you. You tell me. I don’t believe this. I don’t BELIEVE this is happening! Clock ticking. Ray: Why do you always have these problems, I don’t have these problems, stop pushing things, you’re always pushing things, stop just STOP and look.

Me: If you’re not going to be nice, leave. Please leave. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave, JUST LEAVE!

Ray: Don’t get hysterical.

Me: I’m not getting hysterical, I’m panicking, which is slightly quieter. Go away, please. I can’t wait until you need something from me. Ha!

Ray (not leaving): Wait, stop, just stop, are you sure you’re not on? I think you’re already on. Look at the bottom of your screen, at that little box. Aren’t those your students there?

I stop. I look.

Yes . . . it’s them. Oh my God, it’s them. So, there you have it, life on Zoom. Yes, they heard the whole thing.

Who looked more like a deer in the headlights, me, or them? I fear it was both. No one wanted to go anywhere near the meltdown, everyone wanted to simply travel down the Zen yoga road, preternaturally calm in the face of technical and marital turmoil. Yeah, right.

I have a quote in my yoga studio from the great yogi B.K.S. Iyengar that says, “As long as you are maintaining that stable mind in all the upheavals of the emotional life, for me, that is samadhi (enlightenment).” Failed, again. I called one student for a reality check, hoping for a miracle. How bad was it, how much did you hear, how much penance do I need to do?

Don’t worry these things happen on Zoom, she said, at least you didn’t pull a Jeffrey Toobin, get caught with your pants down, and at least you didn’t curse. No,

I didn’t curse, how lucky was that.

But she did hear it all, especially the LEAVE part — the mark of longtime mates speaking to each other when they think, hope, pray no one else on this planet, no one else in this satellite-connected universe is listening. She laughed. She has a mate too.

I swore, head bowed, that in that moment, I’d finally become enlightened, that I’d never peep near a screen again. And I promised Ray I’d try never to yell at him like that, and he vowed he’d try never to condescend to me, and then we had dinner.

Then I went downstairs to the studio and moved that quote — “As long as you are maintaining that stable mind” — a bit closer to the Zoom screen for next time.

Keeping up yoga at home through a class that is live streamed or a workout app is an ideal form of exercise to combat any stress you may be experiencing during these uncertain times.