Caregiver wears a brave face despite her growing despair
I'm a 56-year-old, married, 24/7 caregiver. My husband is terminally ill. When he was diagnosed, all I could think about was, what can I do to make this as pleasant and comfortable as possible for my husband and best friend? I have devoted my energy to giving him the best home care I possibly can. It's far more important to utilize my energy taking care of the love of my life than anything else, and I have put myself on the back burner.
We live a very isolated life. We didn't socialize, mainly because I'm a longtime loner and somewhat shy. My husband never had close friends. Basically, I'm alone, with all of my family living out of state and no friends or relatives nearby. Abby, I am scared. I'm filled with anxiety and hopelessness every day. I can't let my husband see these dark feelings. How do I continue to keep up this facade?
— Alone and Scared
in South Carolina
Please accept my deepest sympathy for what you and your beloved husband are going through. It is very important that you recognize that in order to give him the best care possible, it's crucial you take care of yourself.
Ask your husband's doctor if there is an organization that can offer support and information about his illness. Most of them have support groups and chat options for caregivers — and being able to communicate with others would be beneficial for you.
Since you have no friend or relatives close by, you should also ask if there is respite care available. If you take advantage of it occasionally, it might give you time to recharge and lessen your anxiety. PLEASE consider it. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
How do I get away from someone I don't care about? Anything I want to do, he doesn't want to do. He refused to go on vacation because of COVID, but he's going on a hunt later this year when COVID will still be around. When I was working, he would always want to go somewhere, but now that I'm not, he doesn't take me anywhere. What should I do?
— Dissatisfied In Missouri
A surefire way to get away from someone you no longer care about is to tell the person, “It's over.” If he asks you why, tell him he no longer meets your needs and goodbye. Period. No more discussion. If you are married to this person and economically dependent, find a job before consulting a lawyer.
I recently received a formal invitation to a celebration of the marriage of a close friend AND HIS DECEASED WIFE. What is the etiquette for gift-giving at such an event? Is one expected? If so, what's an appropriate gift?
— Unsure Gift-giver
Your letter is a first. May I be frank? Sending formal invitations to celebrate a wedding anniversary in which one spouse is dead strikes me as macabre. My inclination would be to send my regrets, but if you feel obligated to send something, a picture frame might be appropriate.
The SoCal Indie Bestseller List for the sales week ended July 10 is based on reporting from the independent booksellers of Southern California, the California Independent Booksellers Alliance and IndieBound. For an independent bookstore near you, visit IndieBound.org.
HARDCOVER FICTION
1. Horse: Geraldine Brooks
2. Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: Gabrielle Zevin
3. Lapvona: Ottessa Moshfegh
4. Lessons in Chemistry: Bonnie Garmus
5. The Hotel Nantucket: Elin Hilderbrand
6. Sea of Tranquility: Emily St. John Mandel
7. The Paris Apartment: Lucy Foley
8. Hide: Kiersten White
9. Cult Classic: Sloane Crosley
10. The Midnight Library: Matt Haig
HARDCOVER NONFICTION
1. Crying in H Mart: A Memoir: Michelle Zauner
2. Leadership: Six Studies in World Strategy: Henry Kissinger
3. Happy-Go-Lucky: David Sedaris
“Leadership: Six Studies in World Strategy,” by former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, is among the top-selling hardcover nonfiction releases at Southern California's independent bookstores.
Food: Stanley Tucci
6. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F—: Mark Manson
7. River of the Gods: Genius, Courage, and Betrayal in the Search for the Source of the Nile: Candice Millard
8. Atomic Habits: An
Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones: James Clear
9. Nora Ephron: A Biography: Kristin Marguerite Doidge
Steve Leder
MASS MARKET
1. The Catcher in the Rye: J.D. Salinger
2. 1984: George Orwell
3. Death by Bubble Tea: Jennifer J. Chow
4. Animal Farm: George Orwell
5. Misery: Stephen King
6. The Fires of Heaven: Book Five of “The Wheel of Time”: Robert Jordan
7. The Martian Chronicles:
8. Women Who Run
With the Wolves:
Pinkola Estés
9. Nine Lives:
Steel
TRADE PAPERBACK FICTION
1. It Ends with Us: Colleen Hoover
2. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo: Taylor Jenkins Reid
3. Where the Crawdads Sing: Delia Owens
4. Circe: Madeline Miller
5. Book Lovers: Emily Henry
6. Daisy Jones & The Six: Taylor Jenkins Reid
7. People We Meet on Vacation: Emily Henry
8. Verity: Colleen Hoover
9. Klara and the Sun: Kazuo Ishiguro
10. The Song of Achilles: Madeline Miller
Moon Alert: There are no restrictions to shopping or important decisions today until 8:45 p.m. The moon is in Pisces.
Happy birthday for Sunday, July 17, 2022: You are a realist who has a sympathetic view. You care about results. You are cheerful and have lots of common sense, perseverance and stamina. This is a fun-loving, happier year for you with opportunities to socialize. Your increased zest for life needs to interact with others!
Aries (March 21-April 19): \*\*\*\* Invite the gang over for food and drink today, because this is a lovely day to entertain at home. It's also a good day to tackle redecorating projects and home repairs or to enjoy family discussions. Your creative vibes are hot today! Tonight: Enjoy solitude.
Taurus (April 20-May
20): \*\*\*\*\* This is a marvelous day to schmooze with neighbors, siblings and relatives. You also will enjoy meeting new faces and seeing new places. In particular, you will appreciate who you are and what you have. Tonight: Talk to a friend. Gemini (May 21-June 20): \*\*\*\* If shopping, you'll be tempted to buy luxurious items. You might have creative, moneymaking ideas about the arts or how to market or sell beautiful things. Good news! You attract money in the next few weeks. Tonight: You are noticed.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): \*\*\*\*\* This is a lovely day! The sun, Mercury and now Venus are all in your sign. Make note that the next few weeks are the perfect time to buy wardrobe goodies for yourself. Meanwhile, today you feel sympathetic to people who are suffering far away. Tonight: Explore! Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): \*\*\*\* You'll be happy to work alone or behind the scenes today because you need a breather. With Mars at the top of your chart, your ambition has been aroused. Tonight: Check your finances.
\*\*\*\* Someone might ask you to work with them today or to join a group activity. Your romantic notion of beauty is also heightened, which means artistic pleasures will delight you. Tonight: Be cooperative. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): \*\*\*\*\* If you can use your own influence to benefit a third party, you will do this today. This is because you feel sympathy for those less fortunate. What is more rewarding than practicing kindness? (Maybe a martini.) Tonight: Get organized.
\*\*\*\*\* This is the perfect day to travel for pleasure. You want a change of scenery! You want to go somewhere beautiful with white sands and little drinks with pink umbrellas and a lavenderinfused memory foam mattress. Tonight: Play! Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): \*\*\*\* This is an excellent day for discussions about shared property, taxes, debt and inheritances, because people will be reasonable and generous to each other. In fact, quite possibly, someone will give you a gift or do a favor for you today. Tonight: Cocoon.
\*\*\*\* Today you are in touch with your creative side, which is why you will enjoy discussions about how to make something look more attractive. You're interested in improving your home this year. Tonight: Talk to someone.
\*\*\*\* You will be happy to help someone today, because it will be rewarding and gratifying to make a difference in someone else's life. You might want to introduce improvements at home. Tonight: Take inventory.
\*\*\*\*\* Today you are in touch with your muse, which is why any kind of creative activity will appeal to you. This could range from gardening to the arts to dance and music — anything. Whatever you explore will be a rewarding experience. Tonight: You run the meeting.