How the people running the state talk about big things
Once again, a source has provided me with an audio recording of a secret meeting of the people who run California behind the scenes.
The group includes 10 environmentalists, three teachers, two bond underwriters, eight plaintiffs' attorneys, six professionally certified lunatics, the CEO of a candle company, 231 union leaders and one California business leader, calling in from his home in Toronto.
They last met to address the crisis caused by an epidemic of smash-and-grab mall robberies, a threat to the protected habitat of the endangered Valley Girl.
This time the group was called together for their annual briefing on the imminent end of the world.
“Warming is accelerating at a very concerning rate,” said one of the bond underwriters. “The average temperature in Los Angeles in December was 68 degrees. The average temperature in March was 70 degrees. Here's a chart that we generated this morning from the latest monthly data, which clearly shows that we are on a dangerous trajectory that will lead to daytime temperatures eventually averaging above
180 degrees if we take no action.”
“We must take action,” the environmentalists chanted.
“A private right of action,” the plaintiffs' attorneys responded. “Someone must be held responsible for this! The public is entitled to compensation!”
The California business leader spoke up. “The state is already a judicial hellhole,” he said matter-of-factly. “What's another 110 degrees at this point?”
“Excellent. We're glad to have you in the coalition,” said one of the union leaders.
“Let's deal with some old business,” said the candle manufacturer. “We had a deal. I was promised that the governor's mandate for more electric vehicle sales would cause the collapse of the grid.”
“The problem is that EV sales are falling,” said an environmentalist. “In the second half of 2023, sales of electric vehicles dropped for the first time since 2012. That was not part of our deal.”
“You did what you could,” the business leader said. “You forced dealers to sell them.”
“That still makes me angry,” said the environmentalist. “We should have forced people to buy them. Then it wouldn't matter that the prices are too high or the charging network is hopelessly unreliable. It wouldn't matter that the range isn't what was promised or that the cars don't always start in cold weather. There should be no choice in the matter. California must lead!”
“We have prepared a better plan,” said one of the certified lunatics. “We're going to divert more of the gas tax revenue to modifying urban streets with health-based road diets.”
“Yes!” one of the other lunatics chimed in. “We're going to incentivize low-impact individual wheel development.”
“We would only support collective wheel development,” said one of the teachers.
“As long as it's mandatory, we'll consider it,” said an environmentalist.
“Yes, of course,” said the first lunatic. “So here's the plan: roller skates.”
“I love it,” said one of the plaintiffs' attorneys.
“The bill has already been drafted by the lobbyist for the Association of Orthopedic Surgeons,” said the lunatic.
“An elegant solution,” said the attorney.
“I can sell it,” said one of the environmentalists. “Safer than mass transit. Easier to carry than a bicycle. And roller skaters can use the sidewalks.”
“Absolutely not,” said three of the union leaders. “That's right,” said another one. “Roller skaters must have their own dedicated roller derby lane. Constructed by skilled labor. With a robust apprentice program that draws from our friends and relatives.”
“That will cost more than the bullet train,” grumbled the business leader.
“We'll certainly need revenue enhancements,” said one of the teachers.
“Let's do that market-based thing again,” said one of the lunatics. “The thing where we make everything illegal and then sell permits to do it.”
“Yes! A cap-and-trade system for driving!” an environmentalist said gleefully. “The California Department of Technology can create a tracking app linked to a digital driver's license! If they start now, we'll have the beta version by 2045.”
“Perfect,” said one of the bond underwriters. “We'll put a $100 billion bond on the ballot. We'll call it the Climate, Fitness, Healthcare and Good Middle-Class Jobs Act. And then ...”
But that was the end of the recording. Apparently the power went out.
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