Rude acquaintance’s queries can simply go unanswered
Dear Miss Manners:
I know that it’s rude to tell people that they are being rude. But I have an acquaintance who has figured out how to use this rule to her advantage.
She will ask something intrusive or personal (e.g. “How much did you pay for your house?”) and, before I can hem and haw or change the subject, she will add, “Oh, but you don’t have to answer that if you think I’m rude for asking.”
Ha! See what she did there? Now, if I don’t answer her nosy question,
I’m basically calling her rude, right?
Gentle reader:
Your acquaintance is not the etiquette expert she supposes. Like nonlawyers who read about a law and believe they have caught a logical fallacy overlooked by legal scholars, your acquaintance may be surprised that she has trapped not you, but herself. What you think about your acquaintance’s behavior is not rude unless you give it actual voice. Instead, smile knowingly and change the subject.
Dear Miss Manners:
I have a very close friend whose father has abused him, both physically and emotionally, for his entire life. Their relationship was strained at best, distant at worst, but the friend never cut off contact completely with his father.
I’ve been privy to a fairly detailed description of the abuse and, suffice to say, I am not remotely sorry my friend’s father has died, though I am sorry about the complicated feelings my friend must be having. Mostly, I wish he had been born to a man worthy of being his father.
I want to express my condolences, but the standard tropes seem insufficient. How do you acknowledge loss when it’s the loss of a monster? I had planned on sending my friend a gift of some sort in lieu of sending flowers to the funeral, as I truly believe that his father’s departure from this world makes it a better place.
Gentle reader:
Etiquette does not demand that you lie about the merits of the deceased, but nor does it suggest that you celebrate it with presents. That seems indecorous. Instead, express sentiments to your friend that are simple and true: That you are sorry for his loss and hope to be available to him for any support he requires. You should, of course, omit the word “monster” or anything equally negative in your correspondence. Death has a way of ingratiating even the most monstrous toward their families ... once the offenders are safely passed on.
Dear Miss Manners:
My husband and I are expecting our first child, and we have been gifted tons of hand-me-downs from friends and family. Some of these items are great, and we are grateful for them.
However, several family members seem to think that they can just use us as a dumping ground for old, dirty, broken or unsafe items they no longer want. We’ve received a broken playpen, a moldy booster seat, a ripped baby carrier from the 1970s, and towels that are old and rough.
We’ve accepted everything with thank-yous and smiles, but now the burden is on us to sort through the trash and get rid of it. At a time when we are already overwhelmed, this is incredibly frustrating.
While it’s not worth starting an argument with our family members, I’m hoping you’ll consider publishing this as a public service announcement to givers. If you want to hand down baby items, please make sure they are in good, safe, working condition, and check with the parents to ask if it’s something they still need. (We also have multiples of many items.)
Gentle reader:
Consider the announcement made. Miss Manners is sympathetic to your situation and commends you for enduring it. She humbly reminds you, however, that what you consider a threadbare and smelly old blanket may be, for others, a treasured memory that they are now lovingly passing down to you.
Dear Miss Manners:
My husband has been diagnosed with a devastating illness and a worse prognosis. Our friends are stepping up and being a big help. Should I send a thank-you note for every meal and thing they send and bring? Or can I wait until our suffering is over?
Gentle reader:
As much as you are able, Miss Manner recommends that you do it now. Good people should hear that their kindness, which you may be drawing on in the sad future, is welcome and appreciated. And unfortunately, you will likely be dealing with condolence letters to respond to after the fact.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.