Mom calls holiday plans selfish

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have only one child, who just got married this year. We have always spent Christmas Eve together, just she and her now-husband, and Christmas Day with our extended family.

This year they want to still spend Christmas Eve with us but not Christmas Day. They have decided they want to spend Christmas Day alone.

We would never leave them alone. I find this to be a very selfish act, as we are getting up in years. I feel Valentine’s Day is for couples but Christmas is for families. I can’t begin to tell you how sad and hurt I am. Am I wrong?

— Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken:

You feel what you feel, and you value what you value, so it’s not “wrong” to feel sad. The Christmas tradition you love just got wiped out — this year, at least — by an unfortunate concurrence of a virus and the debut of your daughter’s new family unit. I am sorry you’re left with Plan B.

Where you go awry is in blaming your daughter for those feelings, tarring her emotional launch as a “very selfish act.”

For one thing, she is a newlywed. Have mercy.

For another, you are both free-standing, emotionally continent adults. She’s doing this for herself, not to you.

Christmas is one day but your emotional tie your daughter is 365 and eternal, so I urge you not to strain the latter in shortsighted thrall of the former.

I witnessed my own parents wind up similarly and unexpectedly alone for a major holiday, despite four adult kids within driving range. Long story.

So un-guilt your daughter, a true Christmas gift — then start planning Plan B. Charity, music, pie? The season stands ready with its countless other gifts.

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