Co-parenting issues during the holidays

Dear Dr. Blackstone:

My husband’s ex-wife asked if he wants to go in half on an expensive gift for their son for Christmas.

Should she and her husband buy the son gifts and my husband and I buy their son gifts?

Dear Reader: The time to be asking questions and getting clear on the yes and no of co-parenting relationships is before you marry, not after. I’m sure your husband and his ex-wife are not acting any different now than they did while you were dating. Be careful. Interfering with a co-parenting relationship that’s working may cause resentment — resentment from your husband, perhaps the kids, and ultimately from the children’s mother, which translates to making co-parenting difficult and affects the children’s adjustment when going back and forth between homes.

I have developed an exercise for parents attempting to combine families that asks them to examine exactly what they expect from each other and each family member, from the kids to the ex, prior to moving in together. I call it the Before Exercise. It can be found on the Bonus Families website (www.bonusfamilies.com) key word “Before Exercise.” It is designed to prompt a dialogue so that new couples can establish comfortable boundaries and know what to expect from their union. It’s an eye-opener.

So, is it appropriate that co-parents split the cost of expensive presents? Of course, it is — and you may find that they will do this more often as their children grow older.

So, since you have just joined the club, may I suggest you look for ways to work with these co-parents. If it gets too much for you, look for a solution together. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.” Email her at drjannblackstone@ gmail.com