Why does wife keep letters from exes?

Dear Carolyn: Why would my wife keep love letters and other keepsakes from past relationships and not tell me about them? I happened upon these boxes in the basement after a recent flood. It’s very confusing, especially since I told her all about my life before her and now I discover all these secrets. — Confused

Dear Confused: Are you asking this as a rhetorical question? It sounds that way — like a why-me cry of anguish. If so, then I understand. Even when we can think rationally about our current loves’ past loves — and past lives, the “before,” whatever it contained, because there had to be one to make them the people they are — seeing something in hard copy can still have a visceral punch.

If you’re actually looking for reasons, then, OK: Throwing things away can feel just as wrong as keeping them. These are artifacts of a life. Her life. Boxes in basements in flood zones are as good a compromise with herself as any.

Or, she decided to decide later what to do with it all, then forgot about it. (That’s my signature move.)

You probably can learn enough to get past this just by asking her, but only if you avoid putting her on the defensive. You’re hurt, so be sure to spell out that you’re fact-finding, not finger-pointing. “I’m surprised you kept these. Any reason you never mentioned them?” Or, if you can get there, try genuine-and-not-manipulative levity: “Anyone I need to worry about?” Then, wait till you hear her reasoning before you decide you have a problem with it. Possibly the most universally applicable advice there is.

And if you ultimately take issue with her choice, then say so, without finger-pointing: “When I think of these boxes, I feel ___.”

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