Small talk awkward but a necessity

Dear Miss Manners: I can’t make small talk. At a gathering, if I have nothing to say, I say nothing.

If someone asks me a question, I will certainly try to answer to the best of my ability, but that’s it. People will actually come up to me and ask why I don’t talk, and I simply tell them I have nothing to say.

I tend to be intimidated by women in general, which probably comes from being raised by a domineering mother. I once sat next to a woman in a class, and I was so intimidated by her mere presence, I didn’t say one word to her for the duration of the class (about seven hours). I’ve never been able to understand how most guys can just walk up to a woman and start talking.

Another problem is that I don’t introduce myself. I never liked my name, so I don’t offer it. If someone asks my name, I’ll certainly tell them, but they have to ask. But the main point is, around men or women, I’m just not a talker.

Gentle reader: An admissions officer wrote on a young lady’s acceptance letter that the school was especially glad to have her, because the entire rest of the class were leaders, and badly in need of a follower. We are a society of talkers, badly in need of a listener.

You do have to learn to introduce yourself — it is a simple formula, but the failure to do so is unfriendly — and then to ask easy, non-intrusive questions. Don’t worry about making these clever; the most banal inquiries — about the occasion, the weather, the location — work best, because the other person is not challenged to come up with something original. Once you get others talking, you can be charming just by listening.

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Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.