Spouses engage in proxy war

Dear Carolyn: For 55 years of marriage, our main arguments are around her tidiness to a point I would call anal and my sloppiness, which my wife would call “pigsty.” Her thought pattern is pick up, clean up, don’t leave this setting around, “if I was not around, this house would be a mess.” Mine is, “You find what you look for,” and she can and will find any crumb, any mar or drip, and then ruminate on how sloppy I am.

To some extent she is correct. I am not a neatnik. But I am certainly not a pig. My daughters will attest to that. I will do whatever household chore she wants done, but she counters with, “I should not have to ask you. I am not your mother.” My daughters will also agree their mom is more fastidious than most.

I continually feel pressure to not make an error since she feels as though I cause her more work. Discussions go nowhere.

Counseling long ago would have perhaps allowed both of us to come to a “center spot” on this, but I don’t believe either of us feel it will do any good now. Thoughts? — Arizona

Dear Arizona: You both appear dug in on being dug in.

It’s a proxy war.

Typically that means each of you gets something out of staking out and holding your turf, something you’re unwilling to give up.

And yet within this toddlertoy of sliding scales and perceptions, you’ve both chosen to see yourselves as firmly right and the other firmly wrong. Once there’s mutual sympathy, solutions tend to follow. Even after 55 years.

That’s what “discussions” are for. They only “go nowhere” when its parties refuse to budge. I hope you and your wife both can see the value of relinquishing martyrdom here.

And that, in turn, is what a thoughtfully vetted therapist is for — when two people who aren’t budging both dislike the result.

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