Friend uses racial epithets

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Nov. 26, 2006, and Jan. 12, 2007

Dear Carolyn: How do you deal with a friend who occasionally makes you feel uncomfortable with her use of racial epithets? She is otherwise a great friend who is always there for me and others. My discomfort with this has increased because people in my husband’s family have married outside their race — and I must add, to very wonderful people whom I have gotten closer to recently.

Is it worth confronting my friend on my feelings, or should I just accept that she has a bad habit of being racially insensitive in her conversations and overlook her comments? — S.

Dear S.: Eating too many Twinkies is a bad habit. Biting your nails is a bad habit. I think anyone who has been on the receiving end of an epithet will tell you that using them is not a “bad habit.” It’s the release of linguistic toxins into the air, and it denies anyone who comes in contact, even secondhand, an opportunity to breathe the clean air of mutual respect. It’s ignorance, fear and injustice.

I’m glad your rainbow of wonderful in-laws helped stir up your sympathies, but even if it were a rainbow of despicable in-laws, your duty would be the same. Whether they are wonderful or despicable speaks to their character, not their race. That’s why epithets are so ugly.

You say she is a good friend to you. Be a good friend to her and point out — when she uses them in your presence — that these terms disturb you. There’s always a chance she doesn’t quite know what she’s saying, in which case you’ll save her from dropping more bombs. And if she does know, then you’ll have made it clear that not even friends are safe havens for hate.

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