Resentful over money

Dear Dr. Blackstone: My ex just moved from the home in which we used to live to another, more expensive neighborhood. She now lives in a much nicer townhouse. I think she’s using my money (child support) to live high, and it really makes me mad. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Dear Reader: Your anger and frustration bleeds into your dealings with your children’s mother, they see it, they’re hurt, and since you see no end in sight for how she’s spending the money, things just keep getting worse. Meanwhile your kids are going back and forth between two parents so angry with each other that they don’t talk.

That’s terrible ex-etiquette. If you want to fix this, it’s time to reframe how you look at things. You literally have to change your mind.

Here’s how you do it: I would bet that each time you write the check or transfer money, it starts a barrage of bad feelings which makes it next to impossible to communicate with your children’s mother. Remember good ex-etiquette for parents, rules 5 and 6 (“Don’t hold grudges.” “Don’t be spiteful.”)

Rather than picture your ex when it’s time to make a payment, picture your children when the money transfers. See their smiling faces. Think about how this money is paying for a better place to live when they’re not with you, better schools, healthy food, keeping them warm in the winter and cool in the summer.

When you control your thoughts and therefore curb your animosity, you’ll see your frustration lessen, and low and behold, you will be able to better communicate with your children’s mother — and your children will stop asking why you are so angry with their mother. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.” drjannblackstone@gmail.com