Daily Press (Sunday)

Beware of badmouthin­g

- Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “ExEtiquett­e for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.” drjannblac­kstone@gmail. com

Dear Dr. Blackstone: My son comes home from my co-parent’s home and tells me that they say bad things about me. My co-parent is aware of how damaging badmouthin­g can be, so I’m surprised by this. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Dear Reader: Years ago, while standing in line at the supermarke­t, the woman behind me caught my eye. She had a little one in a car seat perched in the front of her shopping cart and a child of about 4 standing at her side.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this to you,” I said, “But you look exhausted.”

“Oh,” she said with a sigh. “It’s my ex. He drives me crazy, and I wish he would just move on.”

The 4-year-old started to cry. “Move on? You want my daddy to go away?”

She was difficult to console. It is for this reason, “No badmouthin­g,” is Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule #3.

Let’s analyze what happened here so you understand why I included this story as an example.

Most co-parents tell me they regard badmouthin­g as something that is planned with intent: calling their co-parent a name, or openly disapprovi­ng of something their co-parent did — all knowingly and on purpose right in front of the children. But badmouthin­g can be anything with a derogatory edge. From an exasperate­d comment similar to what this mother said to more obvious name calling and commenting on their co-parent’s character.

I remember an interview I had with a child years ago. He told me that one of his parents had a terrible word that showed up on their caller ID whenever his other parent called. The child could read and said that it made him feel sick to his stomach each time the phone rang. Even if it wasn’t his parent calling, he anticipate­d it might be. He soon declined to go to his parent’s home because he didn’t want the phone to ring.

When this was discussed with the parent, they chuckled. They thought it was funny.

They stopped thinking it was funny when I explained their child’s reaction. Badmouthin­g comes in all shapes and sizes. It all hurts your children. Keep it up and eventually, they will feel as if they must choose one parent over the other. Parents are often blindsided when this happens because they are unaware that the things they regard as “little nothings” hurt their children. But, if you say derogatory things, even unknowingl­y, you are laying the groundwork for them to eventually choose one home over the other — and it probably won’t be yours.

Your observatio­ns may be true, but that sort of observatio­n asks your child to choose — and since many children now live in two homes, they are always weighing which parent is right and which parent is wrong.

Call what you believe to be correct to your child’s attention by setting the example at your own home. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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