Friend buddies up to a former bully
Dear Harriette: My friend became good friends with a girl who used to pick on me in high school. I feel a bit betrayed, even though it was so many years ago. I almost feel a bit silly that feelings are so hurt about something that happened so long ago, but it still happened. This girl was so mean to me, and that’s all I can think about when I hear her name. I haven’t thought about her in a long time, but the memories are now haunting me, and the pain is back. Should I tell my friend how I feel? — Old Bully
Dear Old Bully: I understand why you would want to say something to your friend about this person. Of course, there is a chance that she has grown out of her bullying ways. Many children go through phases in their lives when they act out. Over time and as they mature, those tendencies can wane. But that doesn’t make your experience any less real. So yes, sit down with your friend and tell her you have something you want to share with her. Let her know that when you discovered that she had befriended this woman, it brought up a lot of disturbing memories.
Give your friend a few examples of how this person treated you back in the day and how it made you feel. Admit how it makes you feel now. While you should not try to get your friend to change her relationship with this woman — that kind of demand usually doesn’t work anyway — you can make it clear that you have no interest in creating a bond of any type with her.
If your friend tells this woman what you revealed, it may lead to a direct conversation between the two of you. That could be a good chance to clear the air and hear her out. If she apologizes, you can accept that and still keep your distance. It’s your choice.
Dear Harriette: I feel guilty for doing so much better in my career than my siblings. I have done all I can for them as far as trying to put them in positions to earn more money and do more for themselves, but there is only so much that I can do. My siblings have fumbled every opportunity I have been able to present them with.My parents still look at me as if I could be doing more to help them. How do I stop feeling guilty? — Career Guilt
Each of us chooses our path in
Dear Career Guilt:
life. You cannot live your siblings’ lives for them. You can be helpful, and it sounds like you have been, but your siblings must go through the steps and make choices that work — or don’t. It is not your responsibility to pick them up at every turn. Sometimes standing back and giving people space to figure out their lives on their own is the greatest gift you can give.
Yes, it’s hard for you when it may seem like you are withholding input, money, time or more, but you have to live your life. Love them and cheerlead them, but stay in your lane and allow them to be in theirs.