Is ‘explosive’ boyfriend a keeper or not?

Dear Carolyn: Is there really always another bus?

I am 65 and would probably dump my boyfriend, except my chances of ever replacing him are slim to none. I was online for many years — with no good results — before we rekindled an old romance. I hadn’t seen him in 30 years.

For the most part he’s a good boyfriend. He’s affectionate, very helpful, generous, great sex partner, cooperative, funny.

But when he’s angry, he becomes verbally explosive and abusive. The things he says suggest he really doesn’t like me, deep down.

I’m very middle class, white collar, professional, highly educated. He has a high school diploma and is in construction. We have value differences that I believe make it hard to get along at times.

That being said, as wonderful as I think I am, I don’t believe I would find someone else at this age, as I’ve tried and it didn’t happen. If I leave him, I’d give up a good sex life, a helpmate, someone who “has my back.”

Essentially, I’d be alone. We tried couples therapy and he walked out during session six. He’s now in individual therapy. I’ve had a therapist most of my life.

As I write this, it seems like I need to ask myself, can I tolerate his tantrums on occasion to compensate for the all the benefits of the relationship? And did I say, he’s very handsome and I enjoy just looking at him? Too good to leave? Too bad to stay? — Another Bus?

Dear Another Bus?: He’s verbally abusive but, gosh, so hot? And high school + construction = different values from someone “professional” and “highly educated”?

These both leave an icky film.

But even if there were no verbal abuse and no gap in … whatever, this would still be true: Any time you’re telling yourself to take a bad relationship because it’s the best you can do, you’re killing your soul a little.

Not to mention the unwitting soul of another: No one wants to be someone’s best-they-can-do. He is accountable for his anger, yes, but he also deserves the truth as anyone does, to make informed choices about his life.

Since you used the bus metaphor, here’s where it’s useful: voting. Or employment. Or responding to an emergency. Take the bus (candidate, job, measure) that gets you as close as possible to where you want to be, because whatever you get from not choosing will likely be worse.

But that’s no way to choose partners. What you get from not choosing is you, and there’s no one better to have in your corner. Plus, abusers are in their own corners, always. Never yours. That’s the entire point.

So weigh the value of what you have, in its own right, not its value relative to something else.