In-laws are upset with nonbelievers

Dear Carolyn: After being raised in a religion, even attending parochial schools for many years, I found myself questioning the existence of God and came to believe there isn’t one. A scientific explanation for how we came to be just makes more sense to me. And so many awful things happening to good people who pray did not make sense.

My husband arrived at the same conclusion for different reasons at a different time. We don’t usually talk about this unless asked. I don’t want to change anyone’s beliefs, but I do find people often want to change mine. I am willing to hear them out, but I struggle to get them to understand it isn’t something I can just change.

It’s like asking someone to believe in Santa Claus again.

My brother-in-law told us we were arrogant for not believing. I don’t think we are, and I’ll be the first to admit it’s possible we are wrong. My mother-inlaw asked me not to tell people because they won’t like us.

I often wonder if there are more people like us who are afraid to speak up. Any tips on how to handle this? — Nonbeliever

Dear Nonbeliever: More arrogant than thinking his beliefs are the only right beliefs?

And what would he have you do differently — fake it?

You said it better with the Santa example, but I get redundant when I fulminate.

These are all from my mind to yours, by the way, not a suggested script.

To answer your actual questions: Any time there is a social penalty for thinking or being a certain way, you can reasonably expect there are a lot of people quietly choosing not to invite that kind of negative attention.

But that doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on the position you’ve taken on (not) sharing your (dis) beliefs with others. That decision is as personal as belief itself, and if this is how you want to handle your drift from the teachings of your family’s faith, then you don’t need to defend it to anyone.

I do urge you to drop any goals that include the phrase “get them to understand”; that’s just Santa Claus again. You can only say what you mean and let them (mis)manage the comprehension side as they see fit.

For what it’s worth, your approach with your family otherwise is easy to defend: telling the people close to you so you don’t feel as if you’re deceiving them — but otherwise upholding your part of an unspoken mass live-andlet-live agreement with the rest of the world.

It’s as good a plan as any even though, as you witnessed, not everyone agrees.

We’re all better for respectful exchanges of ideas — so if, your family’s current behavior notwithstanding, you think reasoned conversation is possible, then have at it. But the second-best option is to drop it. Recognize you’re better off changing the way you engage than entering no-win arguments over something defined by the absence of proof.