Mother-to-be treated as just a ‘vessel’
Dear Carolyn: My motherin-law and I have always had a warm relationship, but since I’ve become pregnant, I’ve noticed her talking about me more as the vessel of her grandchild rather than the person she always treated me as before. It’s just little things, but those things nonetheless get under my skin. Like, my husband still gets asked about work; I only get asked about doctor appointments. Or last night, she asked what we were doing for dinner, and when I said, “Thai food,” her response was, “As long as it’s what Baby wants.” In that instance, I laughed and said, “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who wanted red curry,” but — is that the best way to deal with the comments if they keep coming? Lighthearted and on the spot? — The Vessel
Dear The Vessel: On the spot, yes, and lighthearted, mostly — but I think it’s time to say outright, comically: “Aaaaaaah! I am not a vessel! I am (Name)!”
The urgency here is to say it while you can still laugh — as a precursor, if needed, to a more serious statement of how she has changed toward you. Her reasons are understandable, you can say, because you know and appreciate how excited she is! But you’re getting sensitive to your general erasure, not just by her, presumably (since this is definitely a thing), but by others as well.
If you wait till you’ve got nothing left but anger, then your mother-in-law could not only take this as a slap, but also have a legitimate gripe that you held this in all along without giving her a chance to fix it. True of most aggravations.
Dear Carolyn: When is it too much to add to one’s plate? I have a lot of kids in many activities, a dog, I work full time pretty hard, took on an extra unpaid position at work, am exercising decently often, managing one kid’s team, organizing Girl Scout activities for another kid, keeping up with friends, and spending quality time with my spouse and kids.
I am considering running for the board at my kids’ sports club, which would likely entail 5-10 hours/week. I don’t need much downtime, but I’m worried this would be stretching myself too thin.
How do you decide when to take on more? — Full Plate
Dear Full Plate: I’ll take a nap for both of us. Yikes.
List everything you’re willing to drop to make room for this, if you win the spot on the board. Up top, put the things you will drop automatically — because, damn. Then after those, list things you can drop if you need to when you realize there’s more work than you expected. Prioritize the list carefully. Just thinking it through will help.
Engaging in kids’ lives and your community sets an excellent example, but so does engaging in stillness. In peace with your thoughts. For your kids’ sakes, if not yours, please make room for some.