Parent wants teenage daughter to wait

Dear Harriette: My daughter is coming of age, so to speak. She has a young man she likes, and they go out a bit. It all seems like normal high school stuff. But I know that they are at the age when one thing can turn into another very quickly. I have talked to her a lot about taking her time and not giving up the goods, if you know what I mean. But I don’t know if our kids have the same kind of internal controls that kids had when I was growing up, when culture guilted teenagers away from “going all the way.”

I’m not trying to guilt her, but I do want her to take it slow. She’s just getting to know herself. I think it’s way too soon to be having sex with somebody. How can I get her to control her urges? — Coming of Age

Dear Coming of Age: Rather than using the guilt approach, talk to your daughter about honoring herself and respecting her body. Of course she wants to experiment and try out intimacy at this stage in her life. Her hormones are raging. It’s natural that she and her boyfriend would want to get close to each other. Remind her that her body is a temple that she should treat with the highest level of respect. That means she should not let anyone touch her without her permission; that one touch doesn’t give permission for another unless she says so; that sexual intercourse should be reserved for a long-term, committed relationship and, even then, only with condoms; that no means no; and that oral sex is still sex and is not a requirement.

Talk through all of it with her directly. Though your focus can be on treating oneself and one’s body with respect, also remind her of her health and the need for protection.

Dear Harriette: My neighbor tends to leave his garbage out late on garbage collection day. That means it often sits on his curb for days until the garbage is collected again later in the week. My neighbor is elderly, and my guess is that he is struggling to manage his garbage. I have a teenage son, and I’m thinking of asking him to be a good neighbor and help this man. Clearly the man needs help, and I think it will be good for my son to be of service in our community. My guess is my son will want to be paid. How can I get him to understand that this should simply be a kind act? — Civic Duty

Dear Civic Duty: Talk to your son about your neighbor’s predicament, and suggest that you two do this together, for starters. Go with him to your neighbor’s and offer to take out his trash for him on trash day.

Then, over time, invite him to be in charge of the responsibility. Encourage him to talk to your neighbor and get to know him. If they begin to establish a bond, it will help your son see the value of being an active part of your community.