Cautious to overstep with bullied son

Dear Harriette: My son is being bullied, and I feel powerless to help him. It brings back painful memories of when I was a kid and how much worse things got for me when my parents got involved. I fear that the same thing will happen if I try to intervene. Should I talk to my son’s school or just hope he is strong enough to cope on his own? How do I know if the bullying has gone too far and what should be done if it has? — Trying To Help

Start by talking to your son more. Ask him to tell you what’s happening to him at school. Encourage him to open up about his interactions with other students. Tell him about what happened to you when you were young. Describe how

Dear Trying To Help:

children treated you and how you felt. See if your revelation helps him open up more. Ask him how you can support him. Does he want you to intervene? Is there anyone at school that he can confide in or ask for help? Tell him you are ready to do anything at all that may help him. Acknowledge, too, that in your case, you think it might have been best if you had dealt with the bullies yourself. Ask him if he thinks he can confront them directly.

If you do not think your son is safe, either from the bullies or from himself (if he is getting depressed), do speak to the school administrators or guidance counselors. If it gets too bad, you may have to take your son out of that school entirely.

Dear Harriette: I’m in my late 20s, and I’ve finally started to make new friends other than the ones I’ve had since I was a teenager. Since I’ve started to branch out, one particular old friend of mine seems to be having a hard time with it. She acts like I’m excluding her and gets jealous when I do things that don’t involve her. It’s weird because she’s very popular and has lots of friends and a busy life of her own, but she still always expects me to be available for her. Despite how uncomfortable this behavior makes me feel, I’m trying my best to remain patient with her and talk about it openly and calmly. How do I handle this? — Jealous Friend

Dear Jealous Friend:

Change is hard for people to accept. In this case, the changes you are making to expand your life and friend base are healthy for you and frightening to your friend. Though she has a flock of others in her life, she clearly values and may even covet your bond. That does not mean you need to cater to her. Instead, assure her that she is still your friend and that you are living your life just as she is, enjoying new experiences along the way. When she reaches out and you are unavailable, just say no and leave it at that. There is no need for excuses or sad feelings. You have individual lives that come together sometimes — but not always.