Baldness comments are more like jabs

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I am still in my 20s but already bald. I really struggle with people feeling free to comment on it. Strangers, co-workers, and neighbors hit me with questions like, “Did your dad go bald early?” and, “Why don’t you wear a hat, you’d look so much younger,” and, “Have you looked into hair transplants?” and even, “Why are you bald?” I’m never really sure how to respond to these questions. I’ve tried your advised, “Wow,” but I usually get something back like, “What? I’m just asking a question. Don’t be so uptight about it.” Can you think of any follow-ups for when the “wow” doesn’t work? — Bald

Throat-punching ought to be legal in response to, “Don’t be so

Dear Bald:

uptight.”

I kid, of course. But I am dumbstruck and will need a moment for this one.

Re: Bald: A college friend of mine was nearly bald and somewhat sensitive about it, although he would endure some teasing from our friend group. When he got a new driver’s license, someone asked him what he put down for hair color. He responded, “Clear.” So maybe, “I’m not bald, I just have clear hair,” could be a response. — Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Your friend is my hero.

Re: Clear: I think that’s a great response, but have to say, what is it with the teasing about baldness? Or any other trait that’s beyond our control? Many of the bald guys I know developed a whole arsenal of self-deprecating remarks, I imagine to preempt this type of teasing — but I have to say, I wish they hadn’t had to do it. It’s even worse when it comes from complete strangers, but even from friends, I don’t really get it. — I Don’t Get It

Dear I Don’t Get It: Iam 100 percent with you on teasing for baldness, and the questions are just appalling.

I am also, however, 100 percent behind trashtalking among consenting friends, because it is just one of the great institutions in life when done right — that is, with love and without prejudice, where you trash the bald, the hairy, the perfectly coifed, the one with hair like her dog. It gives us an outlet, a community, and most of the sitcoms worth watching. Plus, it occasionally cuts a flawless gem like “clear.”

Readers’ suggestions:

“I pulled all my hair out dealing with people like you.”

Simple, complete silence for a beat, with direct eye contact. Then an introduction of a new topic, or simply walking away.

People who suggest ways to look younger are just telling you they themselves are terrified of aging. “No thanks, I’m fine looking this age.”

“Wow” isn’t working because these speakers are (unconsciously) trying to soothe themselves.

Once I saw how many guys were just terrified of baldness, I saw there was quite a bit of power in just buzzing/shaving your head and carrying on.