Feeling left out, mom dreads wedding

Dear Carolyn: My son is engaged to a woman I don’t know very well. He asked if I wanted to contribute to the wedding. I said no — I paid for a third of his college, per our divorce decree, and feel adults old enough to be married are old enough to pay for their own weddings.

Last weekend, his fiancee’s parents, also divorced, hosted a dinner so all the parents could meet. They discussed having a rehearsal dinner, a wedding and a brunch the following day. Parents are paying for most or all of this.

I feel my ex’s new wife is assuming a role as mother of the groom, calling all the shots for the rehearsal dinner. It was also clear she socializes with my son’s fiancee. Her children are in the wedding party, and I overheard people calling them the groom’s brother and sister. The fiancee and her parents have a much warmer relationship with my ex. If they knew his infidelity broke our marriage, I wonder what they would think of him.

I do wish the couple all the luck in the world, but I dread the wedding. How do I deal with these unsettled feelings? — Bothered

Dear Bothered: Everything you named is a byproduct, at this point, of holding yourself (or your money) apart from the action.

That means you can change it. But it also means ditching the anger you hold for your ex before you watch your son’s joy pass you by.

First: A wedding is what the couple wants and can finance. Mentally repeat till it sticks: “I am so happy for them.”

Next: old enough to marry/pay? Great! Absolutely valid opinion, so by all means do live by it. Or pivot and pitch in. Others can live by their different, also valid opinions. Your son apparently took your “no” for an answer graciously. Great stuff.

Next: the fiancee and your ex’s new wife. That stings for you, no doubt — but it’s great for the couple. Warmth is good. So now you have a choice — remain stung or bring more warmth. “Luck” is so arm’s-length.

Next: the infidelity grudge. It was awful, I’m sorry, and broke up your family. It also isn’t binding on these other families. They’re meeting you all in this moment, free to make their own judgments and connections. A clean(er) slate could serve you, too.

Please give yourself a hard shake, like an Etch A Sketch, and try approaching this wedding clean.

Reader’s thought: My mom was cash-strapped and very self-conscious, so I didn’t ask for any money. Instead I asked her to help me find a dress. Answer: no. I asked her to help me decide on flowers. Answer: no. She spent most of the reception sitting apart on the patio. It’s a sad memory. I wanted her to be part of the day, but her guilt over not being able to contribute financially made her feel undeserving.