Losing it over ‘littlest things’ with him

Dear Harriette: What used to be cute in my marriage is now driving me crazy. I can’t stand the habits that define my husband’s daily routine. Even the way he gets out of bed in the morning grates on my nerves. It continues from there. I know it’s not right, but I feel like my whole self is screaming at him to become invisible. I know how awful that sounds. I also believe he senses my disdain for him. I can’t even look at him with a smile these days. All I see and hear are the things that drive me nuts.

We used to argue about real stuff that was happening that wasn’t cool. Now, for me at least, it has devolved to me losing it over the littlest things. How can I turn this around? — He Gets on My Nerves

Dear He Gets on My Nerves: Take a deep breath. Be still for a few minutes and ask yourself what you want for your relationship. If you think you want to stay in it and heal whatever wounds are there, you have to decide to adopt a new attitude.

Everybody has some behaviors that can be irritating to others. Every single one of us. If you continue to fixate on those things that your husband does that set you off, you will remain in a perpetual state of upset.

If, instead, you want to heal your relationship, look for things you like about your spouse and celebrate them. Recall things you have enjoyed together, and encourage him to do them with you now.

Of course, engaging a referee — a professional therapist — to help you navigate this rocky moment could be incredibly helpful.

Dear Harriette: My good friend has come to town three times in the past year, and she hasn’t tried to see me once. I know she has been here because of social media. I understand that she is busy.

Her life is super-full right now. When she comes to town, it’s usually for work. But the thing is, I see that she is spending time with other friends. Why not me?

I’m beginning to feel hurt by this. I thought we were close, but she certainly is not making me a priority. Should I say something? And if I do, how can I speak up without seeming desperate? I miss her. It’s that simple. — Missing My Friend

Dear Missing My Friend:

Reach out to your friend and tell her you miss her. Feel free to state the obvious: You have seen that she has been in town a few times, and it looks like she’s being productive. Tell her you would like to see her the next time she comes to town. This communication can be in a call, on a Zoom or by text. Just make sure your tone is warm and inviting rather than judgmental. If you make her feel guilty, she will be less likely to want to spend time with you.