Needy friend won’t take no for an answer
Hi, Carolyn! What is the best way to handle people who simply cannot and will not take no for an answer? A casual friend asks me to do minor (unreciprocated) favors for her, and she just can’t wrap her head around it when I have occasionally declined. I usually hedge, hem and haw, and end up feeling put-upon because the only peace I get is to just cave in and do it.
She recently overstepped a boundary by putting on the full-court press for me to cave in — 5 a.m. text messages, sometimes 6 a.m., thrice-daily calls or more! And instead of caving in, I finally just blocked her number. Sweet, sweet relief. Now she is calling friends of mine, whom she barely knows, crying that I am ignoring her. HELP? I don’t even think I want to be friends with her anymore. — Let It Gooo …
Dear Let It Gooo … : You answered your own question: The way to handle it is to stop the “hedge, hem and haw, and end up feeling put-upon until you cave” routine and just:
1. Say no.
2. Mean it.
3. Don’t cave.
That means you decline to take part in the conversation when your friend pressures you to change your answer. Texts at 5 a.m.? Are you kidding me? Maybe if she’s stranded by the side of the road; otherwise, mute city. Every time you cave, you teach her how hard she needs to push to change your “no” to a “yes.” (“The Gift of Fear” 101, just in a different context.) You won’t get “peace” from encouraging persistence.
It’s a matter of understanding that people have to take no for an answer if that’s the only answer you give them. And that’s your decision: You are in complete control of holding your own lines.
So, sure, this friendship sounds like it’s over — but if you don’t want it to be, then just make your limits clear to her and hold firm. No means no, I won’t respond when you pressure me, and yes, I will block and ignore you if you don’t respect my decisions — so it’s up to you if you want to keep being my friend on those terms. That is sweet relief.
Reader’s thought:
— Is your friend not taking no for an answer? Or is she not getting a direct no, and not taking the hint you are sending with your “hedge, hem and haw”?
When I mean “no,” I usually say “no,” and probably only “hedge, hem and haw” when I would like to say yes but there are obstacles to it. Some of us need direct communications, as we stink at trying to understand indirect communications that seem to clear to others. Make sure you have clearly said, “I don’t want to do X, and calls and texts at 5 a.m. are not acceptable.”