Issues arise when friend group is apart

Dear Harriette: I have two friend groups now — one from home, and one at college. The dynamics of each group are different and sometimes overwhelming. For my group at home, being away from each other while we’re all in college has made our friendships stronger, and I feel like I can rely on them even more than when we were in high school.

For my group at school, summer break tried all of our relationships, but we brushed it all under the rug and chose to forget about it.

I do not think I could replace one group with the other as they support me in many different ways, but I find myself withdrawing from my school friends because I want to go home, and the rug that we keep sweeping under is coming up a bit. Should I address our previous issues from the summer? — Friend Issues

Dear Friend Issues: What outcome do you want? Do you think that a conversation about your past issues will yield your desired results? If so, go for it. Frame the discussion so that it is not accusatory but open-ended and welcoming of everyone’s input. Do your best to listen carefully and encourage the others to listen as well. Set the tone of the conversation by establishing a goal for everyone to work toward.

If you don’t think the outcome will be productive, don’t bring it up.

Some things cannot be resolved, at least not in the moment.

Dear Harriette: I recently found out that my sister let my 17-year-old daughter drink alcohol while she was staying with her. I am upset that my underage daughter was drinking, but I’m even more upset that it was done behind my back. I told my sister to clue me in on absolutely everything that happens with my daughter, and the fact that she didn’t even ask me about it is hurtful. I haven’t figured out how to approach this situation yet. How should I handle this? — Sneaky Sister

Dear Sneaky Sister: Talk to your sister and ask her why she chose to give your daughter alcohol without telling you about it. Ask her to explain what happened. It could be that your requirement that she tell you every single thing felt like helicoptering. If you have become overbearing in your attempts to protect your daughter, you may need to step back a bit. Your daughter may need to have an outlet where she can safely try things you would not normally allow. She may need to have your sister as a confidant even if it includes breaking a rule. You may ultimately benefit by allowing the two of them to have a private relationship. You do need to get your sister to agree to give you updates, including sharing anything that could potentially be a safety issue.