Boyfriend can’t ignore grandpa’s words

Dear Carolyn: My grandfather is 90 and has lost his filter, often saying inconsiderate things he wouldn’t have said before. Everyone in our family basically just ignores these comments.

However, my boyfriend refuses to do so and challenges my grandpa, who often seems confused and doesn’t remember the thing he just said a few seconds ago that is now getting him scolded by my boyfriend. I’ve tried to get my boyfriend to consider that my grandpa is not all there anymore, but he always says, “Age is no excuse.”

I have started inviting my boyfriend to fewer family gatherings because I don’t want to deal with it. My boyfriend says this means I’m siding with my grandpa when I should be holding him accountable for the things he says. Is my boyfriend wrong, or is age really no excuse? — Grandkid

Dear Grandkid: Get as far away from your boyfriend as you can as soon as you can. Seriously. If you know my work, you’ll know I don’t say this often. My method is to suggest things for you to think about, ways you can reframe your perspective and tactics you can try to change a dynamic.

I’m not doing that here because: Your boyfriend refuses to accept the word of you or your family that your grandpa suffers from mental decline; he keeps scolding a visibly confused old man; he views your choice to be compassionate to your grandpa as a threat to him personally. These are crisp red flags around the boyfriend — of stubbornness, a punitive us-vs.-them worldview, a fragile ego and a taste for seizing control.

Meanwhile, the stakes of his brushing off your grandpa’s rudeness would be virtually zero. It’s annoying, maybe even jarring and offensive, but also doesn’t involve EEOC-type stakes, or driving while impaired; Grandpa’s not in Congress; he’s not choosing to be like this. So your boyfriend picks this fight at your expense but to no one’s benefit.

So use this intel and look down the road: How will his stubbornness, thin skin and disregard for your judgment come to bear in future conflicts? What happens if you disagree on how to handle a child’s illness, a conflict with a neighbor, an office party? What if you publicly don’t take his side?

People who refuse to entertain new information from or defer to others with more expertise or more at stake are tipping their hand: Life with them will be much harder than it needs to be.

I bet you have more examples, more wedges he drives between you and loved ones, more red flags. Check out, too, the signs of an unhealthy relationship from the One Love Foundation at wapo. st/3RwyzfL. Please get the message and get out now.