Families navigate new trans policies
State guidelines rolled out in Va. Beach require parental permission on nicknames, pronouns
Miles Dillahunt has gone by his chosen name and pronouns in school for about two years. A junior at Kempsville High School, he said all he would have to do is email his teachers at the start of school to let them know that the name in their roster was not what he went by. He rarely ran into any issues.
His mother, Kiana Dillahunt, said she had no problem with Miles using his chosen name in school, even if she herself often struggles to remember to use “he/ him” pronouns. When she had to provide written permission for him to go by Miles, she did it.
“At least I can make sure that at school and other places that they’re at, they feel accepted for who they feel that they are,” Kiana Dillahunt said.
Miles Dillahunt, along with other transgender students in Virginia Beach, is trying to navigate the newly implemented policies that require parental permission for students to go by preferred nicknames, names and pronouns.
Gov. Glenn Youngkin’s model policies were approved by the Virginia Beach School Board in October after months of contentious debate. The guidance documents state the goal of these changes is to support parents’ rights to “direct the upbringing and education in accordance with their customs, faith and family culture.”
Now students are required to get parental permission to go by their preferred names and pronouns. The new policies also require permission for students to receive counseling services pertaining to gender and address the use of facilities, such as bathrooms or lockerrooms.
Executive director of student support services Robert Jamison said a big part of the training school administrators and staff received
on how to implement these policy changes was ensuring the students were supported and these changes were clearly communicated.
“This is a process that we want to be compassionate throughout,” Jamison said.
There are several steps involved if a student comes to a teacher or a staff member asking to go by a name not commonly associated with what is on their official record. Jamison said there is a Google Form that goes to school administrators and counselors, which prompts them to contact parents about the request.
Overall, Jamison said the implementation has gone smoothly, though he knows not everyone agrees with the changes. Questions during training largely dealt with getting clarity around a variety of situations school staff might find themselves in.
Kiana Dillahunt said she made sure to include Miles’ preferred name and pronouns in his records when he transferred from Salem High School to Kempsville.
Later, there was a question about his pronouns. Miles said he was shocked to hear that the school called his mother without letting him know first.
He is lucky, he said, because his parents are supportive of his gender identity.
“If my parents weren’t accepting now, then everyone would have to call me Alexis,” said Dillahunt, who has gone by Miles for about two years. “I wouldn’t want to raise my hand in class. I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone.”
No new process is without its challenges, Jamison said.
Melinda Rogers, who has three children in Virginia Beach schools, said she understood the intent of the policies was to keep parents as the decisionmakers in their children’s lives, and she decided she wanted her children to have a choice. So she went into the online records and entered into the nickname field, “any nickname/pronoun” for all her children.
Later, she got a call from a school administrator saying they would have to call her child exactly those words. There was not a way for her children to go by a nickname without talking to her first under the new policies.
“I’m giving them that permission, so there shouldn’t be a problem,” Rogers said.
Jamison said the way the policies are worded, school staff and officials have to get permission for the parents to use any name not on the record. So if the student wants to go by a new nickname, the parent must provide permission.
There is a level of flexibility and grace in enforcing the new policies, Jamison said. He expects there will be situations in which a student might not be aware of the policy changes and go about their business the way they always have, or a staff member might slip up and call a student by the wrong name.
This will not result in immediate consequences, but rather a conversation to establish understanding. Should there be repeated policy violations, though, the matter could be taken up with the principal or employee relations to determine how to address the issue.
Rogers said as a volunteer at Salem High, she was told that if she uses a preferred name without a parent’s permission, she could be “asked to no longer volunteer.” To be safe, she and other volunteers have started referring to students by their last names.
Once the teacher tells administration about a student wanting to go by a new name or pronoun, then a call must be made, even if the student decides to withdraw the request.
“I feel like we were kept in the dark about that,” Orion Davis, a senior at Salem High, said.
Davis is a transgender student who legally changed his name, so he did not have to get parental permission to use it.
His concern, which he has expressed on several occasions at School Board meetings during the debate over the policies, is for students who, unlike him and Miles Dillahunt, don’t have supportive families.
“They’re afraid that they’re going to be kicked out or abused or beat, and there’s nothing you can really say to that,” Davis said.
Jamison said school staff are mandated to report any suspected child abuse or neglect. This includes neglect or abuse that could be connected to a student’s gender identity and if the student expresses suicidal thoughts. All throughout the process, the hope is that the schools can provide a supportive environment where “no one should feel like they’re on an island,” he said.