When helping out is bad for marriage

My sister, her husband and their toddler moved cross-country to be closer to family. Since they’ve arrived, my retired parents have been less helpful than perhaps my sister and brother-inlaw had anticipated.

Maybe this will change when their child gets older and is less of a terrible toddler, but to make up for some of this lack of help, I’ve felt compelled to step in and help with cooking and cleaning, pickup from day care, babysitting, etc., two days a week. My work is flexible, I’m interested in helping my sister and I have the time.

My husband and I are child-free by choice, and he’s not interested in spending much time around a raucous toddler — for which I don’t blame him one bit. My concern is that we may eventually resent the situation that we’re in. I don’t want my sister to feel isolated after moving across the country for some help. I also don’t want my husband to feel abandoned because he really didn’t sign up for this. Any advice? — Anxiety-Ridden Aunt

Dear Anxiety-Ridden Aunt:

Communication. That’s where you begin — and maybe stay. You don’t mention whether your husband objects or feels any resentment.

You didn’t ask about this specifically, but I hope at least someone in your family is aware — and wary — of some assumptions embedded in your question. The only guarantee in your sister’s move “to be closer to family” was less physical distance. Even if your parents made huge promises to help, there’s no system for collecting on such promises.

Any “lack of help” this family has experienced upon their arrival is actually rooted in their well-intentioned mistake for making assumptions. Anything volunteered and unpaid is nice to have; “must-haves” need Plan Bs.

I’m spelling this out because such assumptions and boundary-blurrings often are family traits, instead of the work of one individual member. And if you’ve carried some obligation or guilt wiring from your origin family into your marriage family, then that might create problems for you with your husband, especially if you’re just assuming all this and not talking it through.

Look at your language: You’re doing this to “make up for” your parents and you feel “compelled.”

You frame two days a week on a pursuit outside your marriage as “abandon(men).” That is all conjured. There is no obligation or abandonment, there is only wanting or not wanting to help plus mindfulness at home.

If you’re talking about seeing a beloved family member working super hard to hold it together, and you love her and want to ease her burden, and you’re transparent with your husband about that, then, yay for you! That’s great stuff. Help away. But that’s feeling “compelled” by your own love and your own values, which is something completely different from being compelled by a presumed obligation.