Friend speaks condescendingly to others

Dear Hariette: I find myself in a challenging situation with a close friend. We have known each other for 10 years. Recently, we had a heated argument, and it all stems from her consistently condescending behavior. I’ve tried addressing this issue with her, but my attempts have been met with defensiveness and dismissiveness. The tension has escalated to the point where our friendship is at risk. I value this relationship, but I can’t continue to tolerate the condescension. How can I communicate effectively with my friend about her behavior without causing further damage to our friendship? Is there a way to make her understand the impact of her condescension and work toward a healthier dynamic? — At an Impasse

Dear At an Impasse: Because you value this friendship so much, think about the person. What is going on in your friend’s life? Is there a reason you can think of for why she is so negative and condescending? Chances are, someone speaks to her in the same way. Approach your friend through the lens of compassion. Rather than challenging her, express your concern that something is going on in her life that is giving her emotional pain. Tenderly ask with a genuine interest in learning what is at the heart of her negativity. It may be that she needs therapy to help heal emotional wounds. You can encourage that.

You do not have to accept emotional abuse, however. If you are unable to convince your friend to speak to you and others more kindly, you may have to draw the line on how much you interact with her — at least for now. As hard as it may be to say, tell her that you are unwilling to be berated anymore. If she can’t stop, you can no longer spend time with her.

Dear Hariette: I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year, and my girlfriend frequently prepares dinner for us at home. While I appreciate her effort, I’m not particularly fond of some of her dishes, especially when I’m confident in my own cooking abilities. She insists on taking charge in the kitchen. How can I subtly offer cooking tips or express my preferences without hurting her feelings or undermining her efforts? — Cooking Lessons

Dear Cooking Lessons: It is unlikely that your jumping in to coach in the kitchen will be a welcome offering. Instead, consider two options. Thank her for being so eager to cook, and tell her you like to cook, too. Put your foot down and say you want to cook two or three days a week, and make a plan together for when that will be.

Also, invite her to do something culinary together, like taking a cooking class. This can be a fun, ongoing date and a chance for her to refine her cooking skills and you to have fun with her in the kitchen.