Couple wants to resist church invites
DearAmy: What can be done aboutmy boyfriend’s overly religious mother, who repeatedly invites us to her church? She has invited us ever sincewe started dating, but nowthe pressure is really on. Her very small congregation (15 to 25 people) is looking to expand. The pastor has tasked church members with contacting family, friends and neighbors as a way to garner new congregants. Nowwe both receive phone calls and mailers fromher about church events, tent revivals, etc.
I amabout ready to stop taking her phone calls. Both of us have said that we’re not interested numerous times. We are both agnostic, and I amfroma nonreligious family. The last time this subject came up, I told her that if I ever felt the need to go to church, the first place would bemy grandparents’ church.
Any thoughts?
— No Church forMe
DearNo Church: Never walk onto a used car lot alone, because you are unwittingly ripe for the plucking. The mistake you seem to have made with thiswoman’s earnest marketingwas to dangle the prospect of church. When you said, “If I ever felt the need to go to church ...” what she heard was “I’m thinking about it!”
You should say to her, one time: “Itworries me that you keep asking me to attend your church. I respect that you are religious and love your church. But I’m not a Christian. I don’t go to church, so I hope you’ll stop asking.” Mailers can be recycled. Phone calls can be dodged.
DearAmy: I’m very close withmy immediate family. In fact, I setmy brother up with his fiancee, a friend of mine I’d known for years. I’m over-the-moon excited for theirwedding, butmy happinesswas dampened when itwas revealed that Iwas the only member of the groom’s familywith no involvement in thewedding. I amnot in either bridal party (the other two siblings are), and I haven’t been asked to do so much as a reading at their ceremony.
Therewere no tensions or arguments that could have brought us to this point, in fact, wewere planning a vacation together before thewedding so they could take some relaxation onmy dime.
It has recently come to light that every member of the bridal party is much different fromme in appearance. Specifically, I would have been the stereotypical “fat bridesmaid.” I used to be extremely fit, but after an injury and resulting surgeries, I’ve packed on a considerable amount of weight. I’ve been perfectly healthy since and am working to get back to a healthyweight. Everyone else in the bridal parties fits a very neat and tidy uniform aesthetic, whereas Iwould be the black sheep in whatwould have been an ill-fitting bridesmaid’s gown.
Should I bring this up to my brother or future sister-in-law? We used to talk often, but ever since Iwas excluded fromthewedding festivities, it’s been radio silence. — ReluctantWedding Guest
DearReluctant: Your brother and his fiancee have the right to include or exclude anyone from theirwedding ceremony. You in turn have the right to react to it, and I think you should. I agree with your suspicion that you are being excluded because of your size.
Here is a polite (albeit passive) way of calling them on it: “This is embarrassing to bring up, but I’ve noticed I amthe only family member not to have any role in yourwedding ceremony. I’m not asking for a specific role, but I’m worried that I might have done something to offend or upset you. I introduced you two, and I’mvery happy about your future. I hope you both feel you can be honest with me.”
No drunken retaliation toasts, please.
DearAmy: “Frustrated” shared her ordeal of having her (currently sober) heroin-addicted daughter living with her and her husband, possibly for the rest of their lives. You suggested that they might renovate their house inexpensively to give everyone some privacy. Dang! I thought thiswas both practical and possible. I didn’t expect it.
— AFan
Dear Fan: Breaking up spaces can sometimes help to keep relationships intact.
Copyright 2018 byAmy Dickinson
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