Family business keeps daughter down

DearAmy: I currently work in a family-owned office thatmy mother manages. My sister and I bothwork there.

I’ve helped her since she acquired the business from the previous owner a few years ago. There are no issues in ourworking relationship/dynamic. However, my mother doesn’t pay verywell and can’t afford to payme more.

I don’t believe I’m financially stable. (My sister’s husband earns a hefty salary that provides them with financial stability.)

My question is, howdo I leave? Howdo I broach this subject and find other employment while maintaining a good relationship withmy mother?

I knowthis will cause her an immense amount of stress because there is no replacement and potential candidates are difficult to find, but I cannot currently survive on the meager income.

I have plenty of customer service/professional experience (plus prior military service) and have done some job searching to ensure I am marketable for a better salary in other career opportunities with similar job duties before settling on the idea of leaving.

I amjust unsure of what to do next, and I’m fearful of her feelings. I also believe that I’m really overthinking this.

I’m ready to move on, but find it difficult to have the “breakup” talk when I knowhowimportant loyalty is tomy mother.

— Daughter’s Day-Job Dilemma DearDaughter: Wanting to advance your career, move on to a different field, make moremoney or simply make a change does not mean you are being disloyal. Your mother might frame your choice thatway, but if she does, that is yet another reason for you to leave.

I’m going to suggest, however, that your mother might surprise you.

You should meet with her outside of the home and office. Write down your thoughts in advance.

Thank her for providing this opportunity. Express your gratitude. Tell her that you believe you’ve gone as far as you can in the family business.

Would you stay with the company if your mother gave you a raise? You should consider this possibility and have your answer ready.

Be firm and friendly in expressing your resolve. Keep it professional. Do not criticize her or your sister. Do not anchor to her reaction if she becomes upset.

You have the right and responsibility to solve your own problems. The same goes for your mother.

DearAmy: I have a friend who is overly generous. We exchange birthday and Christmas gifts, but she quite regularly sendsme other gifts that I really don’twant.

I amat the age where I am downsizing, and I really don’twant more stuff. I feel if I donate the gift (or regift it to someone else), she mightwonder where the gift is when visitingme.

Sometimes I’ll discuss something with her, and the next thing I know there is a box atmy door with something in it (book, music, etc.) related to a casual comment that I made to her.

Is there away to tell her I appreciate her friendship but don’twant the “stuff”?

— TooMuch Stuff! Dear Too Much: Yes, you can communicate with your friend using the wording you yourself supply: “I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and generosity— all those gifts you’ve sent tome over the years! But I am currently downsizing, so I’m hoping that you and I can confine our giving to only exchanging cards. Can you agree to that?” DearAmy: A few years ago, my girlfriend’s friend told her that Iwas hitting on her. My girlfriend asked herwhat I did to make her feel thatway, she said, “He asked me questions, and when I answered them, he followed up with questions about my answers.”

My girlfriend said, “Howis that hitting on you?” and her friend said, “Men don’t listen towomen, and then ask questions, withoutwanting something.”

That’s probably whymy girlfriend and I have been together almost 20 years, while her friend has been divorced twice.

Love your column.

— Dave

DearDave: Wait ... are you hitting on me? (I love this. Thank you.)