Wife won’t touch partner in pandemic

DearAmy: My wife is afraid to touchme since the pandemic started.

I even took the COVID-19 test and the antibodies test to reassure her. I have tested negative both times. And yetmy wife maintains— no hugging and (of course) no sex.

Is this normal?

— LonelyHusband Dear Lonely: Are you sure this is aboutCOVID-19? I ask because, just as the pandemic has turned all of our lives upside down, it has also offered a rationale for refusing to do things you don’twant to do.

If you and your wife have (basically) formed a “germ pod” together with both of you in the same household and maintaining sound hygiene, both limiting outside interaction, and both wearing masks and social distancing while you are out, then Iwould say her behavior is not normal. It isn’t rational, anyway. The idea is to followCDCguidelines (and common sense) tominimize any chance of the virus entering your orbit.

The pandemic has thrown most people somewhat off course. For some people, the pandemic has triggered extreme anxieties and obsessions. Fortunately, therapeutic help is available by phone or video chat.

There aremanyways to connect for help; you can check psychologytoday.com/us/therapists for a list of therapists.

I think it is also necessary for you to do some self-reflection; might there be a reason (or reasons) other than the pandemic for your wife to keep her distance?

DearAmy: I love my two nieces. I lavished them with attention during their childhood. My sister (their mother) passed away, and I kept in touch by attending graduations, visiting them in their relocated cities, and paying for entertainment and meals whenwewere together.

My nieces are now adults (late 20s/early 30s), and I continued to stay in touch, however, they have made no effort to reciprocate. They never return phone calls, visit, etc.

In fact, when I advised one niece that Iwas hurt that she didn’t returnmy call (after she said “she’d callme back later”), she explained that younger people just say that, and it doesn’t really mean that they’ll call later.

Additionally, she suggested that I should contact her in advance so she could “block out some time to talk.” This same niece had a graphic design business. I put in an order, but never receivedmy order because shewas “too busy” fulfilling others’ orders and she said she “assumed” Iwould understand.

I have determined that I will no longer putmyself out for them. My family members tell me that I should look past their behavior. They say that young people just don’twant to be with older family members. Your advice?

— Agonized Aunt DearAunt: Yes, it is time for you to back away.

It is pretty typical for adults at this stage of life to be wrapped up in building their own lives, seeing the needs of others as distractions rather than invitations to connect.

Many people in your nieces’ age group seem to treat talking on the phone as an unwelcome intrusion. Millennials have told me that they sometimes have a knee-jerk reaction when they see a call coming in, thinking it is rude of people to call them, when they should send a text. Nobody leaves messages, and voicemail messages are seldom returned.

This does not excuse your nieces’ rudeness.

Oneway to handle this would be to occasionally text them to say, “Hey, I was thinking about you today; I’m just checking in to see howyou’re doing.”

I don’t believe that young people as a group “don’twant to be with” older people, but no one likes to be— or feel— pressured.

If you give themmore space, they may instinctively drawa little closer to you over time. They may not, but youwon’t be so resentful.

DearAmy: “Frustrated” said her husband’s underarms had become “stinky.”

Shewanted him to use deodorant. I couldn’t believe that you agreed with her.

Deodorant should not be necessary if your body is healthy. I hope you don’t use it.

— Healthy

Dear Healthy: This really is not about deodorant, but about a spouse talking to her husband about his body odor.